WHO DID THIS?
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*Bursts into bank*
Robber: THIS IS A ROBBERY. HANDS UP. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Bank clerk: No that’s clearly a shotgun
2nd robber: OOOH SNAP!
What do you mean I didn’t bring anything into this relationship? The washer and dryer were mine
me: another
bartender: *slides over pudding cup*
Who called them nuclear submarines and not fission ships?
Cop: We’re going to charge you with battery
Terminator: Oh you’re a life saver, I’m on 3%
Can we take a moment to celebrate the little ride we get in the pneumatic chair at the hair salon or barber when they pump it up or down
*1776
Jefferson)How do we gain our independence from England?
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)Great! How do we celebrate if we win
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)I like it
MS Office huh? So is there a *Mr* Office?
I’m so pale… I don’t send nudes, I send transparencies
Canadian winters be like:
Today’s high is -23, but with the wind chill it feels like -57.
[first day working for IKEA]
Customer: one nightstand please
Me: sorry, I’m married
Every time I see a sign that says “Right lane ends,” I’m like, so does everything else, deal with it
escape room concept (advanced): it’s Christmas and your family is asking why you’re still single
Having a mustache is a great way to stop people from drawing a mustache on you in permanent marker while you sleep.
I don’t understand why salads are seen as “dainty” food. I look more like a wild animal eating salad than literally anything else.
I liked the movie Taken better the first time I saw it when it was called Finding Nemo.
I accidentally put my yoga pants on backwards this morning; and I’m absolutely horrified to say, they’ve never fit better.
If you arrive home, it’s not a holiday, and your driveway is full of family member’s cars, keep going…….It’s an intervention
[zombies banging on the door]
her: they’re here
me: god, I thought you said 8 oclock I haven’t even got the wine chilled
i didn’t think at 41 i would be saying “but please don’t tell my parents” as often as i do
This dressing room attendant would be a lot more helpful if she offered to bring me a drink, instead of a different size.
The best way to prevent COVID is the consumption of durian fruit. It doesn’t kill the virus but it is excellent for social distancing
how do they get the mashed potatoes into the french fry shell
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
My daughter got upset when my cat killed a squirrel, so I talked about “the circle of life.” Which made her decide I needed to kill the cat.
Cops said my blood alcohol level was above the legal limit which is crazy because I don’t even drink blood alcohol.
I’m watching a show about a cold case in a place called Townsville, and I’m furious the stupid cops have not asked the Powerpuff Girls for assistance. It’s incompetence is what it is.
Quick! Everyone on Facebook is at church! Let’s go steal all their shit!
Patient: I’m going to miss you. If I need anything how do I reach you?
Me: Pentagram and a dead goat
Cannibals are so full of themselves and other people