No one is full of more false hope than a parent with a new chore chart.
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about 25 yrs ago there was a tornado warning in my town & my neighbor’s 4yo kid screamed “a tomato’s coming” but the tomato never came & i think about that to this day
Me “Waiter, why is there a live penguin in my soup?”
Waiter “we were worried the other birds would drown.”
squirrels pondering the nature of why they end up on the wire they just jumped from a moment ago
PRIEST: the child is inhabited by the same evil spirit we crossed paths with!
CHILD [demon voice]: DON’T END A SENTENCE WITH A PREPOSSESSION
Hostage: *screaming*
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: *still trying to find the end of the tape on the roll*
We’re having lobsters for dinner .
Update – we have pet lobsters now
In today’s Zoom meeting my foot got caught on my office chair hydraulic lever & I slowly sunk down out of view like a sinking ship leaving my coworkers in wonder
Me: Do you ever feel like you’re an imposter?
Psychiatrist: Get out of my chair
Me: Interesting *writes ‘thinks he’s the psychiatrist’*
waiter: would you like to know the one thing on the menu we’re out of tonight?
me: no no I’ll find it thanks
I would love to live a sober life but then I’d be giving my MIL a reason to like me…
I keep my enemies closer because you can only throw a rock so far.
The wife & I fought last night. Saying things that can’t be taken back. Like perishable goods. Baby food. DVDs with broken seals. Underwear.
I apply an inordinate amount of baby oil for someone who is not a bodybuilder.
If I don’t wake up with Britney Spears’ body circa “I’m a Slave 4 U” and a rich handsome boyfriend then I KNOW Santa’s not real.
im 7 sauces long
Me: was the “also” because the sun SETS or because the MOON rises?
Hemingway: couldn’t you have picked someone living to have dinner with
If you see something, say something.
My dog: i got this
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight,
Begging for my cat’s attention
My husband when I ask him a question while he’s standing next to me: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
Also my husband:
Me: *clears throat*
Husband from different story of the house behind two closed doors: Are you coughing?? Do you have the Rona???
Nothing sexier than when a man pulls you close, looks deep into your eyes, and puts a Babybel in your mouth.
Me: Just so you know, I’m on a juice cleanse now.
Friend: Long time?
Me: Since lunchtime.
Friend: Until?
Me: Happy Hour. Please bear with me through these difficult hours.
“How is this grilling you?” – mom’s 44th question
The airline I’m traveling in just made an announcement that said all mobile phones, laptops and PAGERS should be switched off. If I own a pager in 2022, I won’t need an airplane to travel. I’ll just use my time machine.
I named my third child Pi, because having that many kids seemed irrational.
Kids are great bc it’ll be freezing and they’ll complain about being cold and you have to remind them that they can wear pants
I bet Harvard is pretty pissed it doesn’t have a comma named after it.
You bring an airhorn *one time* and suddenly you’re banned from bar trivia
The best kind of Sundays are the ones where you thought you finished the cake but then you find more cake
I bought iliteracy for dummies but I couldn’t make any sense of it
ME: [slowly heating water containing frog]
WIFE: what are you doing!
ME: [adding bubble bath] Ribbit Downey Jr had a stressful day