As soon as we’re able to go to church again I’m not going.
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[Listening to Natalie Imbruglia’s ‘Torn’ while warm, unashamed, standing fully clothed on the ceiling] I can’t relate to this
I hang crystals in my window as a warning to other crystals
Google reviews are always so mixed..
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Guy in a Vulcan costume: [loudly, smugly] I wonder if anyone will recognize MY costume
[first date that up until now is going extremely well]
date: it’s nice to finally meet a normal guy
me: my dog’s name is jeff
Remember how judgey we thought we’d be if our kid said “wow! My teacher drinks a lot”
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
I’m never sure what to do with my hands when I’m eating fried chicken while making an illegal u-turn.
“Predators are essential for a healthy ecosystem,” I explained as I released a bobcat into the airduct
Buying a life insurance policy is best way to pretend that you have a life.
Dear waiter,
You messed up my order because you didn’t write it down. I employed your strategy while calculating the tip.
Love,
David
“I heard the Delta and Omicron variants have reportedly fused together producing Deltacron!”
“Ugh, even COVID variants are having sex and I am not.”
“god I love doggy style” I say excitedly as I put a top hat and bow tie on my golden lab
I was bored waiting for my doctor in the exam room but I had fun watching him trying to find the tongue depressor jar I hid.
Daughter: what does biography mean?
Me: it’s when you tell a story about someone.
[later at movie night]
Wife: let’s watch Cars.
Daughter: [whispers] autobiography.
Pooping on the clock is the small-scale revolt of the working class in preparation for the people’s revolution.
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
*takes off sunglasses*
Me: Okay, weigh me now.
Talking scales: *sigh* You weigh the same but look a lot less cool.
Just once I’d like to open a can of biscuits without having to beat it like it stole my last cookie
I want to open a pizza shop called “Cheesus Crust!” Our slogan will be: “Heavenly ingredients, served hot as Hell.” -or- “Crust has risen.”
Apparently, it’s “bad manners” to stare at a female coworker for 30 seconds, then ask if she’s self-conscious about her hair.
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: forgetting everyone‘s name immediately after we met
Professor whatshisname: get out
Boss: Are you asleep?
Me: Sorry, must’ve dozed off
B: That’s unacceptable!
M: I apologised, didn’t I ?
B: And where are your pants?
M: *shrugging* I always sleep naked
My swear jar is overflowing with IOUs that no bank will guarantee.
Today I met people who had twin 6 month old babies, and they would not even let me have the one that really liked me. Selfish.
Hey I bet you guys can’t guess what the Titanic’s least favorite kind of lettuce is
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
Just left a review for the telescope I bought — barely works. two stars
my glass coffin company “remains to be seen” is not doing as well as i thought it would.