Me (doing an unboxing video for a repressed memory): wow guys this is a GREAT haul
My therapist: no
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Marriage has an interesting way of turning the word ‘whatever’ into a flamethrower.
I get about your body being a temple but… right now I wanna turn mine into a bouncy castle, it sounds more like fun. I’m all about fun.
The next COVID variant will be named Optimus Prime, followed by Bumblebee and Rachet.
Dear resealable chocolate bag, your confidence in my self-control was truly inspiring. And you were delicious.
DISCIPLES: Why did it take you 3 days to come back from the dead?
JESUS: [remembering all the times he hit snooze] All the praying and stuff.
As I move away from the hometown that’s nurtured and protected me ever since I was 9 years old, I fondly wave goodbye to the place that saw me grow from a 50 pound weakling in to a 250 pound weakling.
Teaching 3 pigeons how to mosh
If you have any questions or concerns please don’t. Hesitate to ask.
handsome customer: [pointing] that costume please.
clerk: sexy warlock. you got it.
me: same as him.
clerk: creepy male witch, comin’ up.
Accidentally activated “vacation dad” by telling my husband there is construction on our way to the airport…we are now leaving at 3 am for a 5 pm flight. We live 20 mins away.
No one told me middle age would be so fuzzy, and if you are wondering whether I mean my eyesight or my facial hair, yes.
Son: Being an adult is easier
Me: No way, childhood is
Both: I WISH WE COULD SWITCH PLACES
*Shooting star flies overhead*
Son: Wait this sucks
Me: No take backs
[first time hearing bag pipes]
ME: What a pleasant experience.
[1 minute later]
ME: This can stop.
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
Mugger: Give me all your money!
Me: Ok
Mugger: *suddenly poorer*
A girl started to drink barbecue sauce like it was water and I just stood there and watched because I haven’t been trained for this
[First Day As A Director]
Me: [forgot how to end a scene] *tackles the cameraman*
6 months ago I started a journey to transform my body to prove that anything was possible. You have to want it. You have to wake up everyday and put in the work and thats why I haven’t started.
On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.
I never go where I’m not wanted, unless you’re serving cake. If you’re serving cake I’ll be there either way.
[climbs a Tibetan mountain for 6 days & stumbles out of breath into a Buddhist monastery] please. please tell me u have wifi
Guys, if she says “well that’s entirely up to you”… it really isn’t.
How many Avengers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. Ant-Man and Wasp are the only ones small enough to fit inside a lightbulb.
Wish the trash would take me out for once.
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: I don’t. We’re awful. We should leave other people alone.
Women’s magazines:
Page 5: accept yourself for who you are
Page 8: how to lose 10lbs in 1 week
Page 12: best cake recipe
INTERVIEWER: u put “whiskey” as a reference?
ME: ope i thought it said preference
For someone who said “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.
Her: So, are you seeing anyone?
Me: You mean like a therapist or hallucinations?
I remember when it was called “drinking a glass of water” instead of “hydrating.”