Kid: Can I eat candy for breakfast?
Me: No of course not! Now finish your donuts.
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Couples therapist: what scares you the most?
Wife: that we slowly lose respect for each other
Me: when the washing machine goes really fast
take that, baby!!! he knows what he did.
What North Korea really needs is a decent haircut.
When donuts appear in the breakroom. We cut one in half. We eat half. We return to the breakroom five minutes later and eat the other half. It is the way of our people.
weighted blankets are not enough. hit me with a shovel
The most important lesson I learned from watching The Muppet Show is when cooking meth always test your product on the drummer of the band
Imagine the time we’d save if we could just normalize best friends sitting in on marital discussions and arguments so we wouldn’t have to relay all the details later.
F*** you and the horse you rode in on!
Horse: Look man, I was just giving this guy a ride.
Husband: Some weirdo broke into the house last night.
Wife: How do you know it was a weirdo?
Husband: They stole all my Bruno Mars drawings.
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My phone told me my screen time was up 82% last week and honestly nobody asked you
Boomers will say no one makes good music anymore then put on some Bob Dylan song that sounds like a bridge troll’s riddle being played in reverse
DAD: My daughter ran away [hands him old photo]
DETECTIVE: You have a recent photo?
DAD: [shows him 9,674 selfies with the dog filter]
On the Hot Wheels isle helping a friend pick out a sweet Corvette that she promised her 18yo for graduation. Life’s all about the wording.
Who’s the idiot that called it “The Wizard of Oz” and not “The Flair Witch Project”?
Me: tushy tushy!
Fencing partner: IT’S PRONOUNCED TOU- *I stab him*
Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.
My teen said she’s too old to have a dance party with us but then asked for money, and now guess who isn’t too old to have a dance party with us?
cat 911: what ur emergency
my cat: my owner just closed the bathroom door
cat 911: have u tried screaming at the top of ur lungs
Pronounces it worst shit sure sauce.
Me: I’ll email the document, but I REFUSE to send it over telephone line.
Boss: What the hell are you talking about?
Me: I’m an anti-faxer.
[high school]
Teacher: do u have your homework?
Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night
Her: is the game almost over?
Me: this is just the first half
Her: uggghh how many more halves are there?
Me: you’re pretty
Sometimes my kids are so cute it hurts my heart just to look at them.
Other times they’re awake.
Her: sobbing, smashing Doritos and cupcakes into her mouth*
Him: how was your day, babe?
Move over, pizza rat. 🍕 A Philadelphia woman found a groundhog outside of her home munching on a piece of pizza for over an hour, completely unfazed by her two dogs.
My dog barked at the thunder & as a joke I barked a gentle “woof” back & he looked startled. Now I’m worried about what I said to him.
I asked my dad if he could hang a mirror in the bathroom for me but I guess I should have been more specific because he ended up putting it right over the toilet instead. Oh well, my son loves watching himself pee now.
the main thing dating apps have taught me is that there are towns within 20 miles of me that I’ve somehow never heard of