[2 dogs eating dinner]
“u know Sharon, that life insurance policy u found me is great”
[stops chewing]
“why does this taste like chocolate”
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A magic eraser, but for my bar tab.
“I’ve got a couple of ideas I wanna run by you this afternoon,” my coworker threatened
[cat hospital]
Cat Nurse: Let’s get you prepped for surgery. *licks patient all over*
Mike Pence getting booed at Hamilton is the worst thing to ever happen to a politician at a play
Fe
Fi
Fo
Fum
Rhyme scheme tweets are kinda dumb
the guy at Subway just put Cheetos on my sandwich. can’t tell if he’s stoned, or he knows that I am
random guy came up to me today and asked for my autograph, and i gotta say i was flattered. a little strange that the only piece of paper he happened to have on him was a life insurance policy on me for $1 million, but sometimes that’s just how it works out!
*opens assassination store*
*makes a killing*
[At the pearly gates]
Me: what was it like, watching my life from up here?
Saint Peter: the book was so much better.
Years ago, the woman who would one day be my wife asked me to be her date to a friend’s wedding. On the ride home, she asked me for my thoughts about the ceremony. I said it was actually really nice. She then looked at me lovingly & said, “don’t get any ideas.”
being a writer on Twitter:
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
To all of you Single Guys here on Twitter…
Don’t forget to buy your Wife something on Valentine’s Day.
*finds another dead plant on patio*
[shaking fist to sky] I can’t be the only one watering things around here!
WAITER: you can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: [leaning in] the 5 potato options please
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
Relationship status: held a door open for a girl, so she used the other one
Me [from bedroom]: Mommmmm!
Mom: What? Why are you yelling
Me: Grandma’s trying to pinch my cheeks
Mom: Grandma’s dead hon
Me: That’s why I’m yelling
M: Yes, I’m here for the complimentary wine tasting.
Priest: Ma’am, this is a church service.
M: Oh, no worries. I can wait.
My boyfriend is not like other guys. He wants to date me
I wanted to do a random act of kindness, so I took a parking ticket off a car and threw it in the garbage. Boom ticket gone.
“There’s no eye in Teams” I exclaim turning off my laptop camera
Priest 1: Why is Matt Damon chained to that treadmill?
Priest 2: You said we needed to exercise the Dam-
Priest 1: DEMONS!! I said demons!
I’m pretty much a SAHM now and someone asked me the other day, “so what do you do with all your free time now?” Ummm, I guess I just nap. And after a long nap, I like to squeeze in a short nap. Then the butler arrives & makes dinner while I ride my unicorn around fairyland.
‘I choose my underwear based on how likely I am to have sex. Today, I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway’
My man put me on eBay, that’s right, I got bidnapped
Me: *gesturing at the kids* We should start thinking about protection
Wife: They’re too young to be talking about birth control
M: I was thinking more along the lines of an exorcism
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, when you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
Eh wah eh wah eh wah eh wah joget joget joget joget joget gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek lembek lembek lembek embek lembek lembek
My 3yo plays a version of hide-and-seek where if you find her, she cries.