You know you’re a real a&&**** when you go in for a colonoscopy and come out with a sore throat.
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Nothing prepares you for how difficult it is to obtain a loan for a giraffe
How did we decide to go with cockpit?
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
Me: Boom! Drops the mic!
12yo: Nobody says that anymore Mom.
Me: Oh? What do they say?
12yo: I’m not telling you.
I think this lady I’m stalking just found out. She changed her wifi name to:
“Hey you in the tree. I’ve called the cops.”
Boss: Our toilet is fixed.
M: I can stop pooping at ur house.
B: You’re using the bathroom at my house?
M: There’s a bathroom at ur house?
”It looks like that man who seems familiar is waving at me, but is he really?” And that my friends, is what I should have thought before waving back😬
*Pushing the unlock button on my car key as I approach the front door to my house
Nah, I ain’t distracted.
Dog people always act like dogs are so much better than cats but as a cat person just wanna say that you never see cats working with the cops
Just found out this city has an indoor trampoline place and I just figured out where my next medical bill is coming from
Buried bones of a famous crime family might be located at an Olive Garden. “When you’re here, you’re family.”
GOD: A snake that is also a cat lol
ANGEL: What
GOD: Cat snake lmao
Guy: “Lesbians! Awesome! Can I watch?”
Me: “Errr. Sure?”
*bundles him into the car and makes him drive around for five hours while we buy some timber and succulents and choose a rescue kitten from the shelter*
*sees dead squirrel on the road*
Oh, poor squirrel.
*realizes it’s just a sock*
*whispers*
poor sock
If a gang attacks U say you’re on their side & U brought them “gang supplies”. They’ll let you go to the car to get the supplies. Drive away
I was looking up Licking County Animals (in Ohio) because they have a litter of hound puppies I wanted to share but let’s just say puppies weren’t in the results.
[working from home]
8:00am: wake up
8:30am: eat cereal
8:30-noon: can’t remember
noon: open laptop
noon-12:15pm: let laptop “do its thing”
12:15pm: complete one (1) sit-up
12:30pm: neck hurts from sit-up
1:00pm: apply for worker’s comp
*pets a duck* helo litle friemd u used to b a dinosuar
I joined my 5yo in Roblox and after she was done giving my avatar a tour of her house, she followed my avatar into the bathroom because she didn’t want it to be lonely. Apparently no version of me gets privacy in the bathroom.
I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.
Person who is about to invent the coffee mug: Ouch! This coffee cup is too hot to pick up!
Boss: I don’t have time for this. Handle it.
For those who wanted a world without vaccines, this is the world without ONE vaccine.
a potato meteor that cooks itself as it hurdles toward the earth and lands on your plate hot and ready
This gratitude journal looks a lot like a grocery list.
Vegetarian: ‘You know, a cow died so you could have that burger’. Me: ‘Maybe he died because you keep eating all of his food’.
FIANCÉ: where should we go on our honeymoon
ME (after hearing there’s a charizard hidden at mt rushmore): how do you feel about south dakota
Them: Ma’am, we received your Aisles On-line order and we’re just calling to question what seems to be a discrepancy in your order.
Me: I did indeed order 30 packages of bacon if that’s what you’re referring to.
My son: I need a nap, I’m so tired.
Me: Aw buddy – didn’t sleep good last night?
My son: no, I just couldn’t sleep in class today like I usually do.
Me:
My foto for you
I hope you are a good girl
Your foto look nice#haiku
Wife: What is that?
Me: Did you know killer whales are really the largest dolphin in the world?
Wife: I don’t care, just get it OUT of our pool!
Me: [whispering] Don’t worry, Dolphin Lundgren…she’ll come around.