Next time you decide to complain about your problems, just remember, some guy out there has Snooki as his mom …
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A boy at church was asked if he knew what the resurrection was. “Yes, and if it lasts more than 4 hours you’re supposed to see a doctor.”
Sherlock: *deep breath* You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper management, no middle. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Starbucks Barista: I’m so sorry ma’am, he’s in training here’s your tall blonde roast
4 a.m.
9-yr-old: DADDY I JUST HAD A NIGHTMARE
daddy: mine’s just starting
When speaking to children I always end every sentence with “…or else you’ll die. ” – I find this to be an excellent motivational tool.
I asked my 3 year old why she was wearing a bathing suit to dinner as if I’ve never met a toddler before
🙄😏😂🤣
I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: Trying to get this piece of shit to play some music
Wife: Well 1st off, that’s my coffee thermos you moron…
[At Pharmacy]
Pharmacist: This medi…
Me: Can we just skip to the part where I pay? I brought my own water. I’ll take one now.
Dog; Why do you put my treats so high up?
Me: Because if I didn’t, you’d be able to get them
Dog: Hey, I’m just trying to save you the hassle. Excuse me for caring.
I remember when yoga was called Twister.
I won every fight in 1st grade.
Not because I was tough, because I was 13.
Her: Do we have any chicken stock?
Me: I’m not sure what that has to do with soup, but I’ll call my broker on Monday.
Medusa: oh hello I’d like to make a hair appointment please
pet shop: please stop calling us
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
I have good and bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
We need a new front door
WIFE: And the good news?
[points to Monster Truck in living room]
making baked potatoes in the oven is fun because they’re either ready in 30 minutes or 147hrs
I saw a sign that said “bridge subject to icing” and I thought “that sounds delicious”
Straight people are cancelled
I avoided Walmart like the plague before it was the plague
I just got a call from my gym asking me if I want to upgrade to two visits per year.
Saw a werewolf at the bus stop this morning. Or possibly just a very hairy guy. Either way, the silver bullets worked.
I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it’s cause family day never really took off
my plan for the new year: getting fit as a fiddle, complete with strings, bridge, tailpiece, chin rest, and f-hole.
[At a 5 star restaurant]
*gestures at entire menu*
Are any of these words fancy speak for chicken fingers and fries?
math teacher: you currently have a 55% in this class and you need at least 60% to pass
me: is there anything i can do to raise my grade?
math teacher: if you do this one assignment, i’ll give you 10% extra credit
me:
math teacher:
me: i don’t- is that going to be enough
No one has done the dishes for like a week so I finally did the responsible thing and bought some paper plates.
My parents are 75 and 84. My son & I do frequent drive-by visits to make sure they have what they need. Today, I guess they needed to party.
I don’t know if I’m mad because my husband got me the next size up pants or because they fit perfectly.