Therapist: Ok so what brings you both here?
Me: Well apparently I make her life a “living hell”
My guardian angel: *sobbing uncontrollably*
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Crocodiles possess the cerebral cortex function necessary for memory. So they’ll likely be hurt if you don’t actually show up after while.
[someone breaks into the house]
Your dog: I will protect my family and our belongings
My dog: OMG OMG NEW FRIENDS HI I LOVE YOU LETS PLAY
Friend 1: Can you babysit on sa..
Me: Sorry I’m busyFriend 2: Can you feed my cat while I’m on vac..
*knock knock*
Me: IT’S ME I’M OUTSIDE
[Later, Snake sees a Lizard]
Snake (to God): DUDE! Seriously??
*God and Lizard high-five, adding insult to injury*
Nonwriters: How do you write a book?
Writers: Well, you write and delete a lot. Then spend three hours researching, and correct it. Next you doubt your grasp on the english language and rewrite it again
Nonwriters: Then you’re done?
Writers: Then you start the next paragraph
And for my next trick, I’m going to make this first date the last date.
My husband made me a drink & told me to sit down while he makes dinner & all I can say is, whatever he did wrong, I’m totally fine with it.
Video Games made me do it.
Rock n’ Roll made me do it.
Witches made me do it.
Satan made me do it.– a short history of responsibility
idk what he going thru but i feel him
I love how every time Pete Davidson starts dating another beautiful woman news sites go out of their way to look for the worst picture of him they can find
People who incessantly go on and on about replacing things that taste good with quinoa, please stop
My husband’s parenting style is to menacingly say “Yeah!” after everything I say when I reprimand the kids.
me at a party:
*eats*
.
.
.
*attempts to calculate the socially acceptable amount of time before going back to graze on the spread*
.
.
.
*repeat for duration of party*
.
.
.
*make sure to stop by the food one last time before saying goodnight to all*
.
.
.
*go back once more*
STOP disrespecting my family
my mom is THOUGHTFUL AND STRONG
my dad is PRINCIPLED AND SINCERE
my brother is SELFLESS AND KIND
me
my grandmother is A SAINT
Menopausal symptoms can be fatal. They almost killed my husband.
Interviewer: What are you passionate about? I want someone who’s full of passion. Passion is so motivational.
Me: I’m passionate about a paycheque, sir.
by milkshake she means trash and by boys she means raccoons and it’s a real problem in that neighborhood
The closest thing I’ve had to a personal trainer is the ice cream truck that drove past my house.
Barbie didn’t give me a poor body image; Barbie taught me you can’t reattach a head once it’s been removed from the body.
This poor girl dropped her salad in the parking lot, so I grabbed her hand and said “Lettuce pray”
Her: Babe, I need some sex in the worst way!
Him: Lucky for you, that’s the only way I know.
Google “cat”. Tap paw.
– just do it!!
Forgot to do laundry again. I bet everyone at work is going to love my prom dress.
I see a badly-tied bin liner.
[Dog Court]
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury: We find the defendant, not a good boy.*dogs family in courtroom begins to cry*
When I walk into a car dealership, I bring twenty senior citizens that are dying to talk to someone, so I can look at vehicles in peace
Outing my girlfriend as a Protestant at Christmas dinner so my Granny forgets that we’re both women
What do Norse mythology and chastity belts have in common?
Asgard.
People are like snowflakes: I can’t talk to them.