Teacher: *carrying basket full of massive fruit* good morning, class. Today we will be working in pears
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Obviously, someone didn’t follow the instructions before assembling the cat…🐈🐾😅
ac guy: when your air filter is dirty you
me: flip it around.
ac guy: no.
This kid will have a bright future.
Woke up this morning and the alarm clock was laughing at me….then I realized it was upside down and the time was 7:07
Me: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
Husband:
*3 hours, one x-ray and $156 later*
Doctor: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
Kids at bedtime are like the song being downloaded on a dial up connection which has been stuck at 99%
Him: I got in a fender bender, coming out of the grocery store.
Me: Everything’s intact?
Him: I’m fi…
Me: Chips, cookies, stuff like that?
I am extremely flexible & can lift my legs up while balancing in strange positions
Ooh yeah fellas, I can flush a public toilet w/out hands
The moment you throw a piece of boiling spaghetti on your wall, to see if it sticks,
is the moment you realise, random spaghetti boiling advice is radommnly valid
me: I’m on a new sugar free diet and I’m getting withdrawals pains
friend: how long has it been
me (looking at watch): 4 hours
When life hands you donkeys, move to a mountainous region.
You know the best side effect of losing weight? Supersonic hearing. I can hear the crinkle of a candy wrapper or bag of chips through walls.
I think this was a scene from “The Birds”
Spiders can live in my house until they get big enough where I feel compelled to find them before I fall asleep.
Now, everyone come help me find Carl.
forget nudes: in 2019 we’re sending pics in our fanciest attire. gauzy floral skirts. ball gowns. the kind of fur coat worn by a wealthy lady who has been thrice-widowed and hasn’t seen her fourth husband in some time.
[addressing everyone at my pet possum’s funeral] you guys aren’t gonna believe this
So nice of the Oscars to give this tribute to Selma then not nominate it for anything
Doctor, reading chart: “Says here you’re improving!”
Doctor: “…Oops.”
*slowly turns chart rightside up*
Welcome to Yoga class. You’ll slowly ease into half splits, and then you’ll remain there for the rest of your life.
Schools be like: make sure to buy your kid a glue stick that we will never use
I never thought I’d meet the man of my dreams while I was out running errands in sweat pants with no make-up on. And I was right
art teacher: is that a bird or a plane
young clark kent: *crumples self portrait*
I keep a notepad next to my bed so if I wake up with a great idea, I can write it down. Last night, I scribbled “fruit roll-ups,” and I’m not sure what it means, but I think I’m on to something brilliant.
I like to forget Instagram exists for weeks at a time then remember and send 83 chubby animal videos to my best friend.
Deer population is controlled by releasing wolves into an area. All problems should be solved that way. Too much pollution? Release wolves in factories. Dislike Congress? Wolves. Wanna lose weight? That’s right, wolves.
her: what do you do for a living
me: I can’t tell you
her: like a spy
me: no I’m an eye doctor
her: oh an ophthalmologist
me: yeah thanks I don’t know how to pronounce it
I have caller ID for the front door.
If you don’t call me first, I am NOT answering the door.
DOCTOR 1: There’s a tumor in your head the size of a baby carrot.
PATIENT: Oh my god. {starts crying}
DOCTOR: {trying to comfort} Yeah I hate carrots too.