Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How do I like my eggs? Umm in a cake.

The preschoolers got to choose a free book from the book fair, so my kid came home with one we already have because she knows she likes it, and I can’t fault that logic

Me: just running to the store, who cares what I’m wearing

Also me: runs into everybody I know

Turns out pizza has everything I’m looking for in a woman

A secret about trees is that nobody knows which are which. The most confident member of any party will simply say ‘That is a Dutch Elm’ and everybody will agree. But nobody actually knows. Nobody went to tree school. It’s a woodland grift. You stand in a copse of lies.

If you tell me that something is just a hop, skip, and a jump away, I’m not going. That’s exercise.

I changed my relationship status to “I’m sharpening my knives” on Facebook so my boyfriend’s family will never come visit

Imagine if we were like cows and horses and when we gave birth our baby would immediately stand up and start running around the hospital and the doctors would have to catch them and round them up in a baby pen

Until public restrooms have automatic doors, the automatic sinks, soap and paper towel dispenser will make no sense to me.

[on the phone]

ME: Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
[puts hand over phone]
what was it again?

DAUGHTER: [whispers] Boogeritis

ME: [to phone] It’s Boogeritis

Aliens: take us to your leader

Me: ok guys listen- he’s probably going to deport you but there is a small chance he’ll want to marry you

So can we start calling them Traylor now?

Kids are fun cause they tell you sweet things like mom you should bedazzle that pimple.

The bank robbery would have ended much better for me if I hadn’t stopped on the way out at the ATM to deposit the money.

Photosynthesis is the process used by plants to convert a picture into a thousand words

agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin

I’m a bit of a traditionalist, so on my birthday, I smear my body with embryonic fluid.

If sex with 3 people is a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome, now I understand why they call you handsome.

Pho tastes great for a food that sounds like it just gave up.

I’m good at turning a bad situation into a terrible one

I have no idea where they learned to talk like that.

– the parent who taught them to talk like that

Honey we’re having guests tonight, break out the fine jina

Me after doing 3 pushups: Am I swole yet? I feel swole.
17: Please stop.

mugger: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE

me: My best friend will protect me

mugger: Haha, right-

[my dog appears spinning dual nunchucks]

wife: 9 got a ninja costume. Pretend you can’t see him
9 [standing in front of the fridge] *giggles*
me *hits him in the face with the door*

Saving up ketchup packets in the fridge so I can one day open my own restaurant

That one onion ring didn’t end up in your french fries by accident. That’s Burger King’s way of flirting with you.

My parents were great parents. They’ve always treated me and my brother, Douchenozzle McDisappointment, the exact same.

Haha no way, you’re an 1/16th Polish AND a 1/3rd Irish???

Damn I must be part goldfish bc I don’t remember asking 🤷‍♂️🤷‍♂️🤷‍♂️

Helpful phrases:

“We’ll get there when we get there”
“We’ll know when we know”
“Well, it is what it is”
“It’s neither here nor there”
“First thing’s first”
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you”
“I don’t mind either way”
“It’ll be in the last place you look”