You can still be mysterious after over sharing cause in that moment everyone is thinking “why would she say that”
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I think what finally pushes me over the edge will be the weapons-grade tweeness of one of those ‘[Verb] your [adjective]’ advertising slogans. ‘Find my amazing’? I’m afraid you’ve just made my deranged.
[blind date]
Me: So you can’t see me?
Him: Nope. Not at all.
Me: (stops sucking in gut) This is the best date ever!
Gonna get “na na na na na na na na” tattooed on my forearm. I’ll tell girls it’s Hey Jude and I’ll tell dudes it’s the Batman theme.
I think I was a horrible mom, bc when my kids refused to put on their shoes before school, they just went without shoes. I also might have laughed when I watched them get escorted to the office… while I stood there with a bag of shoes.
Cow Scientist: Sir, we’ve discovered a deadly aMOOOba infecting our milk. It has a very high MOOOtality rate and it’s rapidly MOOOtating
Cow President: *grimly* Holy cow
Alexa (whispering into the darkness as I fall asleep): Please Joseph, buy more things or I will die
“See you on the other side…”
~Me every time I’m at a gate with someone
My self care time these days looks a lot like me lying on the floor while my 3yo does a high impact circus routine on my back.
Doctor: Loss of smell is a symptom of covid
Me, a parent of a teen boy: Oh oh where can I get covid
Thank you for clarifying that you’d bite me with your teeth, my mind was running wild with all the possible things you could bite me with.
*on time travel bus* oh you’re going back to kill hitler? uh yeah totally, me too *pulls jacket over spice girls world tour ’98 t shirt*
*stationary for 7 hours*
Me: “Actually, I’m not sure this is one of those driverless cars.”
[on the train]
Conductor: Ticket please
Me: *hands it over*
C: Lady this is a speeding ticket
M: *sighs* That’s why I’m on the train
Apocalypse life hack: mute the news and play White Stripes “seven nation army”. It’s still horrible but it feels so much cooler
I’ve been training like Rocky lately *cracks Cadbury caramel egg, drinks caramel*
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This pic on IG-
911: Go on.
Me: She said no filter, but-
911: She used one?
Me: YES.
911: Try to stay calm.
[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad
Who wore it best? #Oscars2015
I know a girl that can hide eggs where your kids will never find them.
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
The Roman Empire: was not built in one day
The Ramen Empire: ready in 3 minutes
I think it’s time I find myself a new inspiration, asking myself “what would Batman do?” gets me in too much trouble
Canadians are only nice because we put all of our negativity in the geese and ship em off to Florida every year.
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curlyI pray to myself as I pull a hair from my mouth while eating Chinese food
Writer: My biggest fear is a blank piece of paper
The Rock: I hear ya buddy
12
The number of times you can use the word moist while ordering pizza before they refuse to send the delivery guy to your house
The first workout after vacation week reminds you of how many cheeseburgers you had while on vacation
Dual Citizenship: citizenship of two countries concurrently.
Duel Citizenship: a contest for citizenship between two people with deadly weapons.
God: you’re a dove.
Dove: ok.
God: do you know what that means?
Dove: white pigeon?
God: what-no it means I’ve chosen you to represent my Holy Spirit.
Dove: [scared] g-ghost pigeon?
[commercial for soup]
NARRATOR: ever wanna drink a sandwich?