If I were lost and all I had was a compass I would still be lost.
You Might Also Like
[1st date]
Me: Sooo…Is there anything you’d like to ask me?Him: Well, there is one thing I’ve been wondering
Me: *batting lashes* Go ahead
Him: Is that a piece of hot dog in your hair?
GIRLFRIEND: How am I gonna tell my dad I’m pregnant?
ME: Leave that to me.
[later, at dinner]
HER DAD: *grabs chest* I’m having a heart attack.
ME: Oh no! Grandpa’s 😉 having a heart attack 😉
It’s been one year since I got fired for having my friends give me 5 star reviews
Paying bills, or as I call it, the race to a zero balance
About 2/3 of Earth’s surface is water. Same for the human body. So really, we’re all incontinent
Her: I’m not cleaning the sheets this time
Assert your dominance by crossing out your coworkers name on their food and put your own.
Then eat it in front of them.
They say ‘No news is good news,’ but I think it just means I have a lazy paperboy.
@Book_Krazy @funTweeters 🙂
Friend: Did you know that a butterfly only lives for 2 days?
Me: I think that’s a myth.
Friend: No it’s definitely a butterfly.
As far as I’m concerned, anyone who suggests I should have a third child is committing a hate crime.
[Satan advising me on choosing the right career path] law school it is
My parents waited way too long to tell me about Santa and the Easter Bunny. I was so mad I got in my car & drove away.
My wife asked me why I was doing the dishes while sitting down.
Told her it’s because I can’t stand doing it.
Her: Be a dear and hand me that cup.
Me: *jumps in front of a car*
Her: Dear, not deer.
My soul floating away: Craaaaap.
I need you to fill my water bowl but I’m also going to stand directly in your path and trip you 7 times before you can get to the sink.
– Dogs
Me: I just stepped in dog shit, isn’t that weird?
Her: Not really
Me: Ok, what if I told you I knew it was there?
Cheer up.
It’s okay, bra. I’m ready to snap any minute now too
I use a “retirement calculator” every morning before I leave for work to make sure I’m on track financially and I only have 1718 years to go
On the plus side, I don’t think anyone will ever again use the term “staycation.”
therapist: are you still scared of your own existence?
me: I’m afraid I am
Because you know I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble. I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble.
in case you thought I was an intellect know that I almost threw away a carrot because it touched the ground
“Please go play with your brother. That’s basically the reason we had him.”
Me: *eating 8’s M&Ms*
8: where are my M&Ms?
Me: *hides packet* what M&Ms?
8: the ones from grandma
Me: what grandma?
8: my grandma
Me: is she though?
8: I don’t understand
Me: well go to your room and think about it
8:
Me:
8: *walks off*
Me: *finishes eating M&Ms*
ME: my greatest strength is giving people clever nicknames.
QUESTION ASKER MAN: and how is this a skill that will help you here?
i came on this app to make friends and chew bubblegum… and im all out of gum
her: I love guys who know what they want
me: I want $100,000
her: but stay humble
me: I’ll never have $100,000
I got lost from my family at Target and when they finally found me my 10-year-old said, “see I told you she would be by the candles.”
Losing your phone is the adult version of having your balloon fly away.