wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because of my hobby?
wife: yes
me: but on friday february 8th 2018 at 8:17 pm I asked “Is it ok if I became a stenographer” to which you replied “thats fine” to which I replied “great” to which you replied “wait are you typing this right now?”
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I DO NOT recommend a talking scale.
My scale: I thought you were on a diet.
Have a kid so they can ask for a peanut butter sandwich and a jelly sandwich BUT NOT A PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICH!
It’s wild that your car has balloons but you only get to play with them if something bad happens
I’m as useless as the top two buttons on a Greek mans dress shirt.
Dads will leave 3 Frosted Flakes in the box and tell you it’s enough for a bowl
Withholding sex from you people isn’t working.
Wait you misunderstood. When I called you “doll face,” I was referring to Chucky.
You might remember me from such productions as Skirt Tucked Into Pantyhose, or, Oh! You Weren’t Waving at Me.
Today I became an Australian citizen and I got bitten by a spider. Unlikely coincidence IMHO. 🇦🇺
Why do I have to steal the Death Star plans?
Nothing this big stays secret.
Just Google them.
There’s probably a torrent somewhere.
[i fall down the stairs & break my back]
Me: Siri, call me 911
Siri: okay.. I will call you 911 from now on
Me: haha nice
Siri: thanks 911
I was washing my car and my neighbor said when I’m done I can wash his car too and we laughed and laughed and then I water boarded him
me *looking at burnt up nintendo cartridge*: what the hell happened?
roommate (a dragon): it was dirty…
Genuinely no idea what to expect here.
A wise man once told me,
“Sir for just 50 cents more, you can add cheese to that”
Boss: You’re looking a little scruffy lately, you need a trim.
Me: Sorry, I don’t shave too often because of the razor burn.
(later, shaving)
Razor: LOL you call that a beard? My grandma has more chin hair than that, you suck!
My new monthly budget
Gas $0
Clothes $0
Entertainment $0
Food $1500
Alcohol $1000
Por…. uhhh entertainment $500
My boss said I have a lot of emotional intelligence which I think is his way of saying, “we’re worried about your actual intelligence”
At the pool, putting on sunscreen, kinda feelin myself for the first time in a long time…
11, “Make sure you get the sunscreen on all your places because you are really, really pale and there’s a lot of places.”
I very much doubt that actual military commandos go into battle without underwear on.
Misread the movie guide and thought the movie about to start was Allen vs Predator, and I was like, “you got this, Allen.”
*notices keys/wallet/pills in a weird place*
Other people: I should put that back where it belongs
Me: I’ll definitely remember that it’s there next time I look for it
covid positive at the same time as ur long distance crush? sars crossed lovers
Him: If I am the King of Diamonds *pulls out ring*, will you be my Queen of Hearts?
Me: Put that away before you meet the Queen of Clubs
Toast should never pick a fight with me because I eat toast for breakfast.
What idiot called it a pharmacy and not a “coughy shop”
Wife: I’m going to the store. Need anything?
Me: Get some uhhh [can’t remember the name Aquafresh] Neapolitan toothpaste
The cashier told me to have a good New Year like my purchase of oven cleaner and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
I’m over at my parents’ place eating dinner and my stepmom comes in and tells my dad, “Your furry daughter is eating” and for a second I thought I was being called out and accused before I realized she was talking about the squirrels my dad likes to observe outside