surprise your friends by filling your beehive hairdo with bees!
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My personal brand is being the guest at a wedding who can’t dance but puts in a noticeable effort.
Announcer: Has bath time gotten boring? Try Bathtub Weasel! Simply peel open the package and drop the angry weasel into the water!
Bathing woman: It’s so easy! *Splash!* *Horrified screaming*
Announcer: That’s Bathtub Weasel, from the makers of Baby Monitor Lizard! Order now!
The man who invented Velcro died. RIP.
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
ME: i trained this chicken to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: what’s a male deer
CHICKEN: buck
ME: how much is 200 pennies
CHICKEN: buck buck
HER: this sucks
ME: it gets better
CHICKEN: it gets way better, Karen
hot girls stay up late just so they can finally have some alone time
I fell down the stairs earlier but thank god my dogs were there to wag their tails and step on me
[airport]
GF: I guess this is goodbye
ME: I told you, I’m not very good at goodbyes
GF: [crying] Goodbye
ME: [trying real hard] Hello
Excuse me officer, I have diplomatic immunity.
*Shows International House of Pancakes loyalty card*
I need the type of burger that you’d hide from your life insurance company
I just saw some idiot at the gym put his water bottle in the Pringle holder on the treadmill.
THEM: Let’s head down to Paradise City. I heard the girls are really hot there.
ME: What’s the grass situation?
The “Beware of Cat” sign posted outside my house doesn’t seem to be having the desired affect.
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, & open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
If anyone needs some trash burned, I have an oil drum and an unsettling expression that might be a smile.
I just want to be half as productive as my mom thinks she would be if she was me.
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
Coworker: Good morning
Me (suddenly realizing this is my first interaction of the day): How are go?
A guy that lurks in front of a girl’s window every night then gives her “magical” powder to make her fly high.
~ Peter Pan
Just got asked to promote something on my Twitter. I laughed. My followers would hate that! I was so mad I had to cool down with a Pepsi™
Angel: hey God the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
Priest: look son, I think you should kick the habit
Me: ok
*nun screams*
*reads recipe and sees “raisins”
Well, that’s not going to happen.
[trying to fit in with people at the gym]
me: *takes a big swig of gatorade* wow you can really taste the gator
The chicken coup is unlocked!
“Don’t you mean the chicken coop?”
*Watches chickens carrying machine guns overthrow the farm*
No, Snowball
Where do mathematicians go when they die?
The symmetry
thanksgiving in nutshell
Date: You haven’t dated in awhile?
Me: [Wearing Hulk Hands struggling with a burrito] Why do you say that?
i have one speed and it’s mosey
I love my kids and wouldn’t trade them for anything…
[both kids wake up sneezing]
…more than a giant bottle of hand sanitizer right about now.