*falls dramatically on therapist’s sofa* the barista touched the mouth hole
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[The oddity of dating]: Hey I like your face, also possibly your body. Let’s see if I can stand your personality until we die Okay?
A bad analogy is like a cucumber
Me: *successfully puts out fire* Did I pass?
Cooking instructor: No.
Friend: There are plenty of fish in the sea
Fish in the sea:
I just told my boss that “STFU” stands for “Sincere Thanks For Understanding” and it’s REALLY important that none of you tell him otherwise
My kid, holding a jug of apple juice:
“Mommy can you open this?”Me, in the shower:
“Ask your father.”
I tried to help by doing my daughter’s hair once and a kind old lady offered her a hot meal and a warm place to sleep.
I’ve hated dentists way before they started killing lions.
My 8 year old daughter and my teen son are being sweet to me again, all it took was breaking my arm.
Make *almost* everyone want to murder you by talking to yourself.
Make *everyone* want to murder you by sing-talking to yourself.
A: Black coffee, no cream please.
B: Sadly, we don’t offer cream, sir. May I suggest no milk instead?
a herd of people is called a crowd but a crowd full of introverts is called Les Misérables
[texting]
me: touching my duck n thinking of you
her: gross, go to hell
me: *patting my duck’s head* don’t worry quack sparrow, she didn’t mean it
turkey? Nope. I haven’t seen a turkey
google logo keeps changing its appearance because it killed a man in Tampa in 1999 and has to stay ahead of the law
If your phone gets wet, put it in a bag of rice because maybe an Asian will come by and fix it.
Geppetto: So, I know this is literally the first day you’re alive, but Imma need you to go to school
Pinocchio: WTF, dude?
I’m cleaning out the attic if anyone needs a mint condition box and user manual for a cordless phone I donated to Goodwill 13 years ago.
First date idea: you, me, and a blanket
under the stars. We slap the shit out of each other but it’s sweet because of all the mosquitoes
Dracula: you will become a creature of the night. Not alive, but not dead. You will thirst for blood and haunt the land for eternity
Me: but I can play video games all the time, forever?
Dracula: in theory…yes
Me: ok let’s do this
If you hear your toddler in the other room saying “I got this, I got this”
Go to him FAST for he does not actually got this
The other guy on this cliff screaming at the sky just threw his wedding ring over which makes me feel less bad about losing my kite.
Playing catch with my 8yo, I missed a high throw and said “could’ve got that in my 30s.” He replied “oh yea when you get old you get shorter.”
I’ll take a bullet for you but if a clown shows up somewhere you on your own
I broke up with my boyfriend last night because his wife snores too loud.
Lady Doritos was my favorite character in Macbeth
While not illegal, it is generally frowned upon to follow behind someone and play your travel harmonica synced to their footsteps.
me: aw i look so cute
my camera: are you in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly hurt you?
how…. how do u get sold out… of having no mayo????