wife: i think the zoo is closing.
me: pff how are they going to make us leave?
(lions roaring in the distance)
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Why do they sell clementines in an orange fish net package? They’re already sexy.
H: “Whatcha doing?”
Me: “Going on twitter to hang out.”
H: “Twitter is an app, not a place.”
Me: *whispers venomously* “Is too a place!!”
[Arrested for prank calling police]
Cop: You get one phone call
Me: ok
*cop’s phone rings*
Me: is your refrigerator running
Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have internet connection.
My daughter begs me to read one more recipe before bed,
“How does the Stroganoff turn out!?”I place a hand on their innocent forehead, “Darling, the stroganoff in the book will be just fine.” I stare out the window at the dark cold night, “But real life is not like in books.”
Exercise gives you energy but you need energy to exercise. Sounds like a pyramid scheme to me
About to go out and make some foreign dude’s night by butchering the pronunciation of the food I’ll be ordering.
I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror this morning, so I guess once again my personality will be doing all the work today
me (when my escalator is working but the other direction isn’t): God is on my side as always.
me (when my escalator isn’t working but the other direction is): i am the cursed goblin man
me: which suit should I wear
her: I like both
[later]
her: how did the interview go
me: he asked why I wear two suits
Church: Follow Jesus.
Me: Does he follow back?
Church: ..
Me: ..
Church: ..
Me: Shoutout for shoutout??
*lets out a blood curdling scream* HELP MY BLOOD IS CURDLING
I was just interrogated by my 7yo who, frankly, was SHOCKED to discover her dad is my first and only husband and I don’t want to know what that says about me
[time traveler returns home to 1881] guys i forgot to grab the cure for malaria but here’s some…DORITOS LOCOS TACOS [loud cheering]
I’d get into a lesbian relationship just to mooch my girlfriend’s hair care products.
Him: Why are you going in circles???
Me: I’m buffering!!!
My daughter is at school and she just sent me this photo entirely without context so I have to assume she turned her teachers into cats
Me: Look pal, I’m not some princess that needs to be rescued, ok?
Bagger: Ma’am, we help everyone with their groceries.
Me: Fine! One date.
*walks into Forever 21*
*gets pulled aside*
Umm, we don’t really mean FOREVER.
Today I was seated next to lovely, glowing, first-time pregnant woman, who looked me in the face and told me her child will be a mellow introvert. I let her have the moment.
migraine |my-grain|
noun
1 a recurrent severe headache
2 what a farmer shouts in disbelief after a terrible storm destroys his wheat field
excuse me why are *people* accepting medals for the equestrian events this is some bs
“Here’s the problem… You’ve got a Pokémon up there”
– me, as a proctologist
Today there were a few deer in the backyard looking hungry so I tromped out there with a bucket of corn and the entire flock of turkeys came out of nowhere charging at me. It was quite unsettling but we’re all fine.
The Neverending Story is my favorite movie about laundry
“May I have my surgery badge, Scout Master?”
“Um, there’s no such thing.”
“There was no such thing as a duck squirrel til now. Badge me!”
The hot chocolate mustache stays on during sex
Tony Hawk Pro Skater implies the existence of an evil, parallel dimension Tony Hawk Anti Skater.
4: Mommy, you’re just like a Disney movie. We should play pretend.
Me: Aww! Sure!
4:You can be the Beast.
Me: …
4: Or the fat sea witch!
My doctor told me to try a milk bath. Adding the Cinnamon Toast Crunch was my idea