Me: You won’t believe the dream I had last night! I slapped you in the face with a hot pizza.
Him:
M: *looks down*
*sees pepperoni all over*
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ME: all the King’s horses and men couldn’t put u back together
HUMPTY DUMPTY: what now
M: [opening package of bacon] I’ll think of something
As a former member of the Leopards Eating People’s Faces party until it became extremist, I can tell you that the Let’s Not Eat Anyone’s Face party will get nowhere unless it elects a candidate who wants leopards to eat *some* people’s faces.
Feeling lazier than the guy who named the anteater
“What’s this thing eat? Cool.”
6. me as a lawyer
Me: I’ve been thinking about getting a buzz cut
Barber: I don’t think you could pull it off
Me: Well no, you’d have to cut it off
[throwing a party]
I invited Judas. That okay?
“Judas from IT, or the guy who betrayed Jesu-”
*loud knock*
“It’s the Roman legion. Open up!”
We got caught Brian, just act normal..
It saddens me that the closest my car will ever get to being a Transformer is when I fold in the side mirrors.
Thanksgiving fact: Giblets are just Grandma speak for the gross stuff.
Lauren on Facebook asks:
“What’s the best way to ward off ghosts?”To which I replied: “a camera.”
bank robber: fine one question
me: who would you say is your favorite hostage
All I said is, I prefer a fresher corpse. Don’t make this weird.
Game developer: his name is Donkey
Nintendo: nice
Developer: he’s a gorilla
Nintendo: ok twist
Developer: who wears a necktie
Nintendo: hm anything else? pants?
Developer: how would a gorilla put on pants?
Nintendo: right, yeah I wasn’t thinking
I’m lost at Costco but everyone here looks like my dad. Just gonna pick the one with the best groceries and start a new life I guess.
I mean, I’m smart, but I’m no Alfred Einstein.
The worst part about a fender bender is getting out of your car and having to meet a new person
“Amen and dig in” is a perfectly acceptable way to end a prayer at the potluck because honestly nobody is even listening when there’s food involved.
I passed a library which is strange because I don’t remember eating any libraries.
He may not be a 10 but he covers his food when he puts it in the microwave
Me: *wolf whistles*
Up until 2013, Pizza Hut was the largest buyer of kale in the US
They used it to decorate their salad bar
I like to go camping so I can come home with a renewed appreciation for my house.
A year ago I moved the silverware to a more convenient location in the kitchen, and every day for the last year I’ve been conveniently opening the wrong drawer.
Indians will wait 25 years to have sex but not 25 seconds for the traffic signal to turn green.
People who carry their dogs around,
You know they can walk, right? Theyre real good at it. It’s like one of the top known things about dogs
Them: Why are you late?
Me: I’m not allowed to run over cyclists.
I need a Magic 8 ball so i can find out if I’m drinking today or if I’m re-shaking it until i am
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a puncher” and see how it goes.
‘Twas the night before Christmas,
and everyone knew,you were still out shopping,
yes, it sucks to be you.
My 11yo just asked me if I was gonna be a “single Pringle” forever and I’m laughing so hard I can’t even be mad.
An apple a day keeps my fruit-picking business trapped in bankruptcy.