Me: I swear you’ll be the death of me
Murderer: lol
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My son learned to play baby shark on his trumpet and my other son learned to play baby shark on his clarinet please respect my privacy during this difficult time
I was in a gang once. We wore blue, traveled in packs, and ruled our turf with shiny instruments…wait. Band. I was in the marching band.
You scream “SWEEP THE LEG!” one time and all of a sudden you’re “invited” to watch your kid’s wrestling match from the parking lot.
Last week I had a dream and the only thing I remembered about the dream was a poster on a wall so I made the poster and put it on a wall and it was the fastest I have ever made a dream come true and it felt exhilarating like I had solved a mystery.
my sister-in-law: I feel bad that dogs hafta poop outside in the rain.
my 9yo: it’s actually kinda fun you should try it.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
These 3D printers are insane!
Apparently I was involved in a class action lawsuit against AT&T. Anyway, I just got a check for $1.33 if anyone wants to party.
My daughter just said, “I love you Mommy, you are beautiful like a pizza” and now I’m crying because that’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.
How did my operation go Doc?
Dr ;
What?
Dr ;
Omg I’ve only got half a colon?
i came on this app to make friends and chew bubblegum… and im all out of gum
Them: be yourself
Me: do you have any better advice
My uncle used to bet me a root beer that I couldn’t sit quietly in the car in the casino parking lot. I ALWAYS won lmao
My dancing style could best be described as “Frantically trying to pet the ghosts of animals only I can see.”
me: onion rings and a bottle of wine for the table
waiter: white or red
me: *trying to impress my date* whichever onion the chef prefers
my allergies were acting up so i took allergy medicine. now i’m sleepy and my allergies are acting up.
Art teacher: Take your seats, the model is ready
Me: *Disrobes and strikes a pose*
Model: Who the hell are you
El Chapo is a murderous Mexican drug lord. El Chapo Supreme is a murderous Mexican drug lord with sour cream, lettuce and tomato.
Mom: Some scary old lady keeps FaceTiming me.
Me: Mom, turn your camera around and she’ll go away.
thanks for the crochet armor, mom, I’m sure it will work just fine
My 8YO turned vegetarian to save the planet, then decided to wait until after this weekend’s burger grilling
The Constitution says nothing about it being illegal for cats to carry firearms and this worries me immensely.
The worst time to need sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee it when you’re driving and need to sneeze.
You can love someone with all your heart and still frequently daydream about hitting them with a shovel ok
Relationship status: my last pickpocket had really gentle hands.
I ate a tomato slice off the carpet. And some lettuce. And some bleu cheese bits. And mushrooms. I’m saying I dropped my salad on the floor.
When I say “I’m open to feedback” I mean “I accept compliments.”
[First day as a personal chef]
How do you take your poptart?
Who called it a henhouse attendant …
and not a chicken tender ?
During sex
Me: Go deeper
Him: *Stares in the horizon* Imagine living in a world without wars