Barista: “Welcome to Starbucks!”
Me: “Large coffee please.”
B: “It’s venti!”
Me: “Then close all the windows after you get my large coffee.”
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*trying a new meal*
Wife: how do you like it?
Son: *hesitating* my water’s pretty good
Apparently a guy named George Martin leaked all the main plot points of the next season of Game of Thrones in some books he published. Jerk.
[my dog poops]
man: pick it up!
[my dog poops faster]
As a kid I’d watch Price is Right and think ha that sucks he won furniture. Now I’m like, wow I can really use a new bedroom set.
I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.
We are going to watch tv.
All firemen must dread the moment when they’re done for the day and have to find the strength to climb back up the pole.
Point of etiquette: When attending a chainsaw massacre, don’t spend the entire time chainsawing one person. Get out there and mangle.
Latte is the most popular part of the pumpkin spice plant.
The Fast & The Furious 10: Now They All Work At AutoZone Together
I was told my $750 iPhone would improve the quality of my phone calls, but my family keeps calling telling me the same shit.
Can’t we just sew all of the candidates together & have the first multi-headed president?
God: let there be light!
vampires: wtf dude we were invincible til now
Scar: Long live the king!
*lets Mufasa fall*
Simba: No!
Mufasa: *while falling* Simba, this is totally your fault for being the woooooorst–
I need to be locked up… in an ice cream factory.
Don’t go chasin’ waterfalls. If a waterfall isn’t staying in place you probably have bigger things to worry about. Run for your life.
IT’S-A ME,
Let me make something perfectly clear.
– Anyone who has washed a window
The first few months of a baby’s life are crucial and so it’s important that they see mom or dad playing Mario Kart.
My back has gone out more than I have this year.
[wakes up to crying in the night]
Wife: can you go check the baby
Me, climbing back into bed 2 mins later: yeah that was the baby
facebook is down so i am having to improvise
The guy who made my sandwiches told me Have Fun as he handed them to me. Not sure what he thinks I was gonna do wit them
” i saw your ex”
A very unnecessary piece of information
me: “£4,000 for a beehive?”
salesman: “sir, there are 8,000 bees in there, that’s only 50p each”
me: [checking my wallet] “give me 3 bees”
Waitress: Would you like an omelet?
Me: Sure. Put it in a martini glass with gin and no eggs…
[guy who’s about to invent restaurants]
*eating alone* what if i added social anxiety to this
Just took $20 out of my friend Martin’s wallet (he has ALS) because that ice bucket nonsense ruined my new kimono.
For my next magic trick I’ll turn this fifth of tequila into a restraining order.
Why didn’t the people in the movie Armageddon just hold up a big sheet of paper when the meteor was coming? Paper beats rock…
At what age do you tell your kids that the UN isn’t real