So that’s what we looked like?
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[First day as a Scientist]
Boss: We need some petrified wood
Me: *Tells ghost stories to a tree*
[crumpled up paper on floor]
*tries to flip it up like hacky sack*
*tries to flip it up…*
*tries to flip…*
*tries…**leaves it*
I exercise by running up the street knocking on all the doors.
Jehovah’s fitness.
Wife: u can take Max to the park but ur not gonna wrestle other ppls dogs
Me in a spandex singlet: Im 16-0 Karen I have a title to uphold
Where have you been all my life?
Can you go back there?
Me: Any deathbed confessions?Him: Wtf I’m just napping
Me: Shhh, don’t fight it. Go into the light
Him: Get that flashlight out of my face
Bananas.
Because you can’t stick a watermelon in a tailpipe.
I want my leggings so high waisted I can pull them up over my head and wear them as a hood
They say you should dress for the job you want then send you home as “the stormtrooper suit is not appropriate work attire”
[courtroom, on witness stand]
Prosecuting attny: If you think she’s poisoning you, why did you eat it?
Me: It was pizza
[jury nods, murmurs]
Just once I wish the McDonald’s drive-thru would say “I love you too.”
Active Yeast: Let’s make that bread fam
Inactive Yeast: Let’s stay in bed man
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but alcohol makes ugly people pretty.
yeet
Is everything ok, babe? You haven’t even touched your eppe
You can say whatever you want in front of your kids until they learn to talk, then you gotta button that shit up. They’ll rat you out in a second
I once had a customer complain that her steak “tasted like cow.” I was so confused that I said, “Well, I sure hope so” which caused her husband to burst out laughing. She quickly shot him the death stare and I often wonder where she hid his body.
Husband: *driving*
Me: *breathing judgmentally*
My body is telling me to go to sleep but my brain knows that there are Oreos in the pantry.
Relationship Status:
Got put in the friend zone by a succubus playing around on a Ouija board.
I can’t even get lucky in the spirit world.
[4:30 AM]
Wife: I thought I told you to rock the baby to sleep
Me: *turning down Enter Sandman* What does it look like I’m doing, Karen
You can learn a lot about your kids by helping them with their homework for example, mine are idiots.
Wife still out of town. I’m afraid if I order Dominos again they will call child services.
Kid: Fire is magic.
Me: No, it’s science.
Kid: Oh yeah? What’s fire made of?
Me:
Kid: Magic.
Why do prescription pills always say “by mouth?” Where else would people put th…
Ooooooh.
I’m eating a vegan lunch today. Sure, it’s six sleeves of Smarties and a Diet Coke, but I’m still better than you.
Apostrophes are important.
“I fed the dog”
“I f’ed the dog”
Learn this simple rule. Your friendship with Sarah McLachlan depends on it.
I’ve slept with enough babysitters to know how to raise a kid thanks mom
I wear jogging pants underneath my running pants in case I need to slow down.
Bird snatches worm: Haha beat you to it sleepy head!
*blam!*
And early riser Hunter Harry gets delicious fried pheasant for lunch.