Dear Milk of Magnesia manufacturers:
Please add : ‘Don’t trust a fart’ to your side effects label.
kthanksbye
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I walk in the kitchen and see a note on the refrigerator. “The kids and I are leaving you. I want a divorce.” Shocked, I break down in tears, wondering where it all went wrong. The husband is crying too, at which point I realize I’m in the wrong house.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i mend relationships
professor boyfriend: oh wow
Lois Lane survived until she was, like, 30, without Superman. Then she starts falling off buildings practically once a week.
I think Superman was pushing her.
How can we make people tell the truth?
“Lets make them put one hand on a book & the other on their chest. That’ll scare the shit out of em”
I don’t always sleep well, but when I do, it’s 5mins before the alarm goes off
Film producer: You’re a terrible scriptwriter.
I disagree. Me:
Me: I’d kill for a donut
Donut: Whoa I said I was angry, I never said I wanted them dead
If I ever run into my doppelgänger I’m going to steal his liver.
Me: *pointing gun at husband*
Husband: are you kidding?? he’s obviously the fake
Obvious Evil Clone: *stroking hideous goatee*
Me: but he does all of the laundry
Husband: oh no
If my coworker doesn’t stop asking questions on this Zoom meeting I will drive across town and slap his face on the call.
[driving]
ME: omg i need to go to the bathroom really badly
WIFE: ok we’re almost home
ME [panicking]: no, pull over to that mcdonalds!
[i run in]
ME: gimme two big macs fast, i gotta get home to pee
I like to think of myself as a guy who doesn’t scare too easily but I just beat the shit out of a motion activated air freshener.
Nothing says I mean business like wearing a hospital gown to the pharmacy.
no one:
coworker at a part time job you’ve known for one calendar day: so remember when I told you about that guy I’ve been texting Brian well anyway I hooked up with his roommate just to see what he’d do and lemme just read you this text I got from him just now ok so he goes,
every time i go to karaoke i tell myself ok. you are not a good singer. no need to be a hero. and then one and a half beers in im like “i am gonna do Video Games by Lana Del Rey so good i end war”
Lost in a corn maze? Light it on fire. Turn it into a popcorn maze. Eat your way out.
My father-in-law spent the morning teaching my daughter Spanish, and it was all wrong.
When Dr. Seuss wrote, “Oh, The Places You’ll Go,” he did not consider how comfortable my couch would be.
When people try to debate me online I’m just going to suggest they read a book I make up and that doesn’t exist
*pulls the dryer sheet off my pants*
Ok, weigh me now.
If you lick me, I taste like vodka.
Okay, I taste like a potato, but still…
I’m at my most Disney Princess when I fight with my stepfamily before drunkenly losing my shoe at a party.
“I can’t wait to nail you later”
*whispers to the new picture I just bought*
[alarm clock goes off]
ok it’s happening again
it’s a day and it’s here again
*googling*
day again why
how to unsubscribe days
[in front of fire]
DATE: I’m still kinda cold *she looks at my jacket*
ME: Oh! Yeah *I take off jacket & throw it in fire* That oughta do it
Every tech nerd or security guy on night shift at a computer in 90s movies is eating pizza & wiping sauce from their mouth with their hand.
Don’t judge me for my 2-year-old having a pacifier in her mouth.
Judge me for not having any idea where this pacifier came from.
I’ve found that women are never, impressed by what guys think will impress them. Also I just ran out of gas doing donuts in the parking lot
CW: What’s your middle name?
Me: It’s Mike.
CW: Oh. Well, what is your first name?
Me: I don’t have one.
They said I couldn’t drink or operate machinery on my medication.
But here I am…Driving a forklift…Sipping a beer…Lifting up my boss’s car…