[being murdered]
Me: You’re going to somehow ruin this, aren’t you?
You Might Also Like
My uncle (111 M) gifted me (50 M) a ring before leaving to go travelling. A close family friend (2,019 M) told me to destroy the ring due to problematic associations with the jeweller who made it, but the ring is precious to me and I would feel guilty throwing it away. AITA?
Valentine’s Day makes me realize how single I really am. But I’m still gonna sleep like a baby knowing I’m not getting cheated on.
Wait, what’s that noise?
Is there a dying cat outside?
Oh…no…it’s just a 50 yr old man racing a remote control car down the road.
[seeing a picture of myself]
Revolting. Burn it
[hearing a recording of my voice]
Awful. Grating
[seeing my tweets]
Genius. A blessing to this world
If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?
They said it was a black-tie affair. They should’ve specified that it was a jacket-shirt-underwear-pants-socks-shoes affair.
No horror movie will ever be as scary as the sight of the water going up instead of down when I flush the toilet.
One of My Ex’s was absolutely beautiful. But, it didn’t workout because all she wanted to do was SWING.
I miss third grade.
god: call them deer
angel: ok. what do they look like
god: eh pretty normal
angel: ok
god: [suddenly] put a tree on its face
ME: The plane has wifi? Sweet, I’m going to Skype call that radio psychic.
RADIO PSYCHIC: Go ahead caller, you’re on the air
ME: HOLY SHIT
Why is it spelled camouflage and not
I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
I work 24/7 – which is about 3.42 hours.
I wonder how much time Han Solo spent just brushing Chewie’s fur and talking about their aspirations
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they are not.
Not that anybody asked, but the Irresistible Force beats the Immovable Object — every time.
Kinda gross IMO, but I guess everyone needs a hobby.
I’d go for a jog but it’s too [insert current weather].
Halloween ’94: Mom says store sold out of Batman costumes and buys me a Catwoman one. Called me Catman. The worst part: she went as Batman?
“..all the king’s horses & all the king’s men couldn’t get Humpty together again”
*raises hand*
What guy thought horses might figure it out?
Act Like a Lady
Think Like a Man
Most importantly, talk in irrelevant cliches.
Most of my one night stands happened because they knew they would get a fabulous breakfast the next morning.
Me: When I was lying in bed, I found this huge lump. I need it removed.
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s your husband.
Me: And your point is…?
Grammar Nazi hiding in Argentina captured after being baited on social media with an inappropriate you’re usage
One of my buddies is so healthy, wealthy, and wise… I wonder what his secret is? I want to ask him but he always goes to bed so early
Me: *Posing nude for the first time*
Photographer: Absolutely stunning, but inappropriate for your drivers license tbh
My unemployed friends on a Wednesday at 1:30pm
I read my daughter a book about a Frogapotamus last night and dreamt of riding one. Tonight I’m reading her Hugh Jackman’s autobiography.
Juliet: O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo: New phone. Who dis?
WIFE: He’s too literal and unromantic
THERAPIST: Tell her something that comes straight from the heart
ME: [whispers in her ear] Arteries