If it exists behind a paywall, does it really exist?
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Wife: Our dog was put down and then my husband died, it was tough
Medium *nodding* he was the love of your life
Wife: Yes of course!
Medium: He has something to say to you
Wife: omg go on
Medium: woof
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
hey (with the intention of telling Jude not to make it bad)
“This smoothie is spicy!”
“Ma’am, that’s salsa.”
have a nail gun and some boards laying around? show him you love him by adding some attractive wood paneling to his car
There is no bond greater than the one between a Tupperware container and marinara sauce
Genie: 1st wish
ME: I wish for a pen
G: #2
M: another pen
G: wtf
M: I already lost the 1st pen
G: and ur 3rd
M: ur not going to believe this
Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is?
I planted grizzly DNA under my fingernails so when I choke on doritos the medical examiners assume I was strangled by a bear but fought back
How many followers do I need more before I start tweeting quotes from Shakespeare and Mark Twain as my own?
I knew this girl, she’s really deep; she’d always find a reason to preach about how size does matter…
When I see the lyrics to a song I’ve been singing wrong the whole time.
How to fall downstairs……
Step 1
Step 6
Step 9,10,11,12
Therapist: and how are you now?
Morgan Freeman: I am fine
Morgan Freeman: but Morgan Freeman was not fine
Therapist: I’m sorry what?
ubereats: it will cost £3.50 extra to send this cheeseburger to your house
me: ye ye ye hurry up gimmewikipedia: please donate to this website you find very useful or we will die
me: LMAOOOOOOOOOO
Hello? I’d like to rent one bouncey house, please. How many will be using it? Just one. Her age? Uh. Four……..ty-seven.
Me:*screaming in horror in the bathroom*
Him:*banging on door* Are you ok? WTF is going on?
M:I found a gray hair!
H:So?
M:IN MY EYEBROW!!
He didn’t know that balancing your knife on the edge of the sink means you may make a second sandwich, so now we have some serious talking to do.
[hospital]
Me: this knee surgery will be a breeze!
Nurse: you have a great attitude!
Me: well even my blood type is B Positive : )
Nurse: aw : )
[funeral]
My Widow: his blood type was not B Positive.
ME: i’m writing a book about lame cars
HER: what’s it called
ME: sorry, no spoilers
I bought one of those endless magician handkerchiefs and boy, is my proctologist gonna earn his copay tomorrow
just walked out of the grocery store and realized i parked like shit. an absolute garbage approach. i’m so embarrassed. i can’t be seen getting into this car. i’m running away. new life. just the clothes on my back and this cantaloupe
I’m feeling very anxious i think this 7th mug of coffee will take the edge off
HI MOM. YOU’RE GONNA BE SO PROUD. I JUST WON AN ARGUMENT ON THE INTERNET. Sorry caps lock was still on from the argument. But I won.
My toddler only has 3 words, but she can already argue with me.
how do they know an animal is extinct like??? u looked everywhere????
*picking up coins off the dance floor*
I knew I should have emptied my fanny pack before twerking.
I shouted “the blue Subaru with an Obama sticker left its lights on!” at Mt. Bachelor and had the *entire* hill to myself for an hour
This is my last day in my 30s. Please send thoughts and prayers… or money. That helps too.
[Day after Xmas]
7am: I am detoxing today, only fruit and liquids for me
9am: There are worse things than eating 14 cookies for breakfast