Like most parents, I live in fear of the day I have to explain PRETTY WOMAN to my daughter.
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Mind: I still feel like a 20 year old…
Body: LOL.
SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YOU
*shakes buy one get one free coupon*
*first date*
Me: Tell me more about you
Her: *crazy eyes* WELL I HAVEN’T STABBED ANYONE LATELY
Me: *deletes Tinder* Let’s get married!
*pats crying child on the back*
“There, there”
*child keeps crying*
“Did you not just hear when I said, ‘There, there’? Shut up, already”
wife on facebook: homework with 9, he’s doing so well!
wife to me: it took him 8 tries to spell cake. CAKE. grab some wine on your way home
I see you’ve chosen to express your midlife crisis with cologne.
My toddler just screamed GET OFF MY LAWN to her brother so it’s nice to know I’m not the only one becoming a totally different person right now
When people ask me why I’m “confined” to a wheelchair, it makes it sound like a prison sentence. I want to say something like, “I ate too many free samples at Costco. I’ll be out in seven months.”
How DARE you go the speed limit in a situation like this…
~Me, to anyone with the audacity to be in front of me when I’m running late.
Cute guy: Is this seat taken?
Me: (ok, play it cool) No. *smiles*
Him: *takes chair away*
“I’m not sure-”
wife: honey he’s a zookeeper if he says these are koalas I trust him-aww look at them!
*the raccoons hiss from the dumpster*
me hooking up with my ex
Arguing with your parents is like trying to explain how to download music from iTunes to a plant.
Wishing everyone who’s visiting their parents for Christmas a very water tastes wrong.
I can always end an argument with my wife by undressing; presto, she has a headache and goes to bed.
Does anyone else bring a bag of clever disguises to the grocery store in case there’s a wine sampling booth that day?
Sadly, at 8:11 PM Mark Jones was mispronounced dead.
[at hospital]
Doctor: I’m afraid this man has deed. Am I saying that right? He’s deed.
[pearly gates]
ANGEL: bad jokes are not allowed in heaven
ME: ok
ANGEL: that means absolutely no puns
ME: abSOULutely
*clouds turn to fire*
What inspires you to get out of bed every day? For me, it’s my bladder mostly
My kid needs me to help him with a report on any famous black scientist. Can we do Dr. Dre?
The remote does not go next to the TV. That’s the opposite of why you have a remote.
If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you
Telemarketer: Let me tell you why our car insurance is better.
(10 minutes later)
My mom: You better email me that meatloaf recipe, Sue, and I hope they drop the drug charges against Ricky Jo!
Maroon 5 is playing. The crowd goes mild
Roses are red. Violets are blue. If he’s busy on Valentine’s Day, the side chic is you.
[cross-country trip]
me: can you take over for a while, i am going to lie down in the back and take a nap
passenger: sir i’m not licensed to drive a bus
Someone sat down next to me in a crowded waiting room and started clicking her pen.
Tune in to your local news at 5 to see what happened next.
Call me crazy but it looks like cage free eggs come in little cages to me.
The bartender just threw the bottle of vodka in the air and caught it. Maybe next time it’ll turn into a college degree.
ME: so this is what it sounds like when doves cry
SUBWAY GUY: all I said was we were out of meatballs