that moment when your spouse asks if you’re listening and yes is not the right answer but no is also not the right answer
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I always carry a PEBBLE with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs in November…
I call it my jingle bell rock.
Ben-Hur was actually called, Fast & The Furious: Jerusalem Drift, but the name didn’t catch on like they had hoped
Retweet this if you want to be abducted by aliens.
Me: I’ll never be like my parents
Also me: If you kids don’t stop fighting, I’ll pull this car over and you can walk home!
Saw a unicorn using a phone booth and all I can think is, who is she calling?
I was not prepared for my knees to sound like some one is breaking spaghetti noodles in half every time I go up the stairs.
My phone: 58%.
My husband’s phone: 7%.
Me: Honey, I need your charger.
Password security questions be like: What’s your middle name? Why are you single? What’s wrong with your big toe?
[tries to eject CD 5 mins into space mission]
Houston we have a problem
I KNOW U CHEATED W/MY WIFE TOM ENJOY 12 YRS OF SMASH MOUTH U PRICK
“Sorry I was skeptical about your cough.”
-my new line of Get Well cards
I think one of the most amazing displays of democracy in history is that one thousand islands managed to come together and agree on a single dressing.
[Jesus goes over the bill at the last supper]
“Why would-[closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose]-Why would anyone order wine?”
an emergency cyanide capsule to bite when someone’s about to explain bitcoin
my kid had her whole class make birthday cards for her dog who celebrated his birthday yesterday.
we don’t have a dog.
If I was a mafia don’s wife, I’d keep the couches wrapped in plastic if only to keep my kids in line.
And then God said, “Let there be Black Friday.” and he saw that it was a terrible idea but it was too late cuz people were already in line.
A guy just walked past with fries and said “fries?” and I was like “cool thanks!” and took three and then he was like “no, I work here, did you order the fries?”. I did not order the fries.
You’re right. My money don’t jiggle jiggle. That’s the folds of my dad bod. Yea. They wiggle wiggle too.
[watching scary part of movie]
10YR OLD: don’t worry, Dad… I’ll just delete my brain file that’s recording this part before I go to bed
ME: [trying not to appear visibly freaked out] cool
[God, creating pigeons]
Make them pace back and forth like a lawyer.
Me: “I’m so lonely.”
Microscopic organism: “Wow, I’m right here.”
I could probably survive about a week in the wilderness eating only the food I spill on my shirt any given day.
Die Hard is a Valentine’s Day movie.
ME: it’s a dream come true i never thought my team would sweep the world series
OTHER STADIUM JANITOR: sooner you pick up the broom the sooner we go home
Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA
You know you’re getting older when the person telling you to slow down is you’re doctor, not a cop.
Men should feel comfortable with weeping openly.
Especially in front of a vending machine where the Reece’s slot is empty
STOP TEXTING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
The fact that my balcony isn’t facing the street makes it nice and quiet but also makes my speeches to the people rather ineffective