Im gonna tell my daughter to lay off the liquor, cause I love her! (…and I dont want her to mess up her kidneys before I need one)
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ME: If home is where the heart is, I guess I live under a canopy of bloody bones.
DMV WORKER: I’m not putting that on your license.
detective: dammit *slams fist on table* tell me where he is
me: [confidently] the Fourth of July picnic
detective: but where exactly?
me: *holding where’s waldo book* oh i’m gonna need more time
contractor: I finished installing the secret entrances, death ray, and crocodile moat. all that is left is the payment
super villain: no
contractor: right, should’ve seen that coming
Thank goodness it’s open for most of Octermeber
Me: You should cut your toenails.
Wife: Huh?
M: You’re scratching my leg.
W: I’m WAY on the other side of the bed!
M: That’s kinda my point.
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Liam Neeson: Unknown
Doctor: Does it hurt?
Liam Neeson: Non-stop
Doctor: Are you on painkillers?
Liam Neeson: Taken two
Doctor: Are you just listing your films?
Liam Neeson: Batman Begins
I hope Obama spends the last 2 years of his term replying to all the tweets we’ve sent him.
Home is where the Wi-Fi is.
I like to keep a glass of water on my nightstand just in case I wake up in the middle of the night and I want to spill something.
Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.
Perhaps you could be persuaded to look the other way, Officer.
Hair pulling during sex is hot unless the whole wig comes off.
If you do the Macarena while you cold call people to ask about their political opinions that makes you a poll dancer.
Not how I expected him to come back but okay.
Kid: Daddy will you sing that song about the cars
Me: Sure buddy: “One of them dames was sexy as hell, I said “oh I like your size.” She said “my car’s broke down and you seem real nice, Would ya let me ride?”
Wife: I think he means wheels on the bus…
Heartbreaking: Introvert sentenced to 100 hours of hanging out.
“I’m gonna sneak some candy”, my 4yo announced loudly.
Meteorologist: FINALLY getting some cooler weather around here!
Me: Phew just in time for me to move my stepson to college on Monday.
Meteorologist: Except for Monday which will be 187 degrees.
I’ve had to repeat everything I’ve said to Alexa today like we’re married.
When you swallow a spider in your sleep, eat some dead flies the morning after to ensure the spider gives you a positive Trip Advisor rating
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
If you bring an acoustic guitar to a bonfire I’m going to assume it’s for fuel.
You can either clean your home before guests arrive or hand them a tequila shot as soon as they arrive.
Shots it is!
Me: *puts six steaks on the grill*
Wife: Don’t you think that’s too much? It’s just us and the kids.
Me: Wait, you guys are eating, too?
Big shout out to the three people still trying to do jokes.
My Jewish mother freaked out when I told her I wanted to be like Dre, but relaxed when I told her that he was a doctor.
Heard someone say their charcuterie house looks too good to eat and I don’t think they know how cheese works.
People in my neighborhood think I’m power walking, but really I’m just trying to get home to poop.
I hate it when people don’t know the difference between “You’re” and “Your”
There stupid…
Very irritated daughter stomping all over the porch…
Me: What’s the problem?
Her: Dad asked me to bring him a Phillips screwdriver AND ALL WE HAVE ARE STANLEYS!!!!