Current fitness level: arm is tired from brushing teeth.
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Them: Come out with us tonight. You might meet your future husband.
Me: Why are you threatening me?
date: what do you do for a living?
me: i make trojan horses
date: that’s not what i’d expect
me: yah that’s the idea
A Hallmark movie where the heroine is such a Karen that she ruins Christmas, the adorable son of the widower tells her to go back to her law firm in the city, and ends with the whole town chasing her with pitchforks.
Open heart surgery? No, just rip it out.
This hot girl asked me to recommend some music so i said Pink Floyd, she said “I didn’t know Pink used her last name as well” Now she’s dead
My 3yo asked for gnocchi for breakfast because apparently I’m the head chef at a 24 hour Italian bistro.
[autopsy]
Coroner: worst case of boogie fever ever
Still haven’t given up on the dream of finding a suitcase full of money on the side of the road.
I need to go shopping for a new outfit. Anyone know who sells sizes OMFG and WTF happened?
optimus prime: [doing standup] i just flew in from new york and boy are my arms tires
Ex [to kids]: dad made a mistake and will be gone for awhile
8: what did he do?
Ex: what do you think he did?
8: he drove while drinking
Ex: yes
8: AGAIN?!
In Scotland, we stop doing the accent when you guys aren’t around.
Me, to 10yo: The first step in doing your math homework is *starts crying*
Screamed from the other room for somebody to bring me toilet paper only to be ignored.
Olive Garden wasn’t lying. When you’re here, you really are family.
I reached for my best friend and she wasn’t there. But then I realized I set my coffee down on my right side, not my left, so I’m OK now.
Her: Why do you have a copy of 50 Shades of Grey in your bathroom? Perv!
Me: Oh. No that’s just for when I run out of toilet paper.
Before you curse gravity, just imagine how unsatisfying sitting down would be without it.
Holiday dinners with family are like real life boss levels with the worst loot
When someone asks if I have any hobbies
WHY ARE THEY STILL PLAYING CHRISTMAS COMMERCIALS?
Me watching recorded TV shows
[job interview]
Look. First, you give me a job. Then I get paid. THEN I’ll be able to buy pants. I can’t just skip ahead to the last step.
guy at the gym: hey can you spot me
me: ya you’re not even hiding
A lady at WartMart said I smelled fruity and asked what fragrance I was wearing. I didn’t have the heart to tell her I missed my mouth with a slushie so I pointed to a random body spray
I was bored.
Eggnog is one of my top ten favorite nogs
[divorce court]
her: he was unfaithful
him: thats a lie!
judge: do you have proof?
her: his Netflix said he watched episodes without me
him: judge, thats not being unfa-
judge: shut your cheating mouth!
If your friend says they can’t swim, don’t make them go in the water because they might be hiding the fact that they’re a robot and you don’t want them to know that you know.
I saw a sign that said FREE PUPPIES. I don’t know what crime they’re accused of, but I sure hope they get a fair trial.
I witnessed some luteing today. Six men playing a sprightly medieval tune . Quite out of step with the times were they.
GIRL: wow that shirt really brings out your eyes!
ME: *eyes protruding completely out of my head* yeah the collar is too tight or something