I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
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If you want to go on a wild adventure then just let your kid make up the rules for a board game
So apparently going to the medicine store’s manager with a pack of condoms asking them where the changing rooms are will get you banned from the medicine store.
Boss: My door is always open
Me: I know and it makes it really hard for me to leave work early
Mid-flight turbulence is just god’s way of preforming confessions at scale
When I dance people say it reminds them of a wild hog chasing it’s tail inside a jar of pickles.
too much pressure deciding when to look at a person walking towards me on the sidewalk
How many court cases have been thrown out because the judge needs a unanimous decision & the jury is made up entirely of dentists
I tell people “I’m not looking for anything serious” because I’m hunting clowns.
Farmer Dad: Having a good party son?
Farmer Son: No. The music sucks.
FD: Well then-
FS: Don’t.
FD: Lettuce turnip the beet.
Size doesn’t matter? Have you SEEN my coffee mugs?
[First day as a hostage negotiator] So whatchu wearing?
Betrayal only comes from someone we’re close to. Just like herpes.
[shapes strands of hair from the drain to form a love letter on the shower wall]
stop slamming the toilet seat in the middle of the night or I will murder you
Your make-up application says “I failed Clown College”.
sistine chapel
Blackout curtains because I’ll decide what time it is.
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
gen z girls can dress like 1998 all they want, but they’ll never know the joy of your parents having literally no way to get ahold of you until u come home
me: i need answers
smashmouth guy: please i have a family
me: [tasing him again] who told you?
smashmouth guy: aaagh
me: who? [pulling his face close to mine] who told you the world was gonna roll me
smashmouth guy: it was *sobsob* SOMEBODY
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
Have kids they said, they definitely won’t lose your right AirPod in the yard and run it over with the lawn mower they said.
🎵 You make me feel like I’ve been locked out of heaven 🎵
Jesus: “We talked about this, Lucifer.”
listen kid, i have social media profiles older than you
I gave a man a fish. I taught a man to fish.
Fish aren’t all that happy with me right now.
Responsibility for the New York earthquake is already being claimed by tremorrists.
some Old Testament wisdom
What the hell did you order?
– me when the drive thru line isn’t moving
what scared me at age 8:
-quicksand
-snakes
-boat scene from willy wonkawhat scares me now:
-dying alone
-boat scene from willy wonka
Nurse: “Have you had any unexplained weight gain this past year?”
Me: “No, there are explanations.”