5 year old niece to me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
Me: Let’s not rush things, OK?
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Me “I AM THE CHOSEN ONE!”
Wife “Don’t be so dramatic. Everyone gets jury duty sometime”.
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in 2 words.”
Me: “Atinubs. Econsibu.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to CAPTCHA.”
Why is this woman gardening on her white carpet at the foot of her bed
It’s time to play “Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?”
I before E except when you run a feisty heist on a weird beige foreign neighbour.
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
Me: Liquor then beer, hit a deer
Cop: Please get out of the vehicle
luke, thats a persons name. whys everybodys star wars name gotta be like, hoobie doodoo or seb neb or something
I should have been a cat, bc all I do is sleep and the rest of the time I’m just weird.
confuse your coworkers today by telling them you’re going to the restroom to do a “number 3”
It’s bikini season, so you’re allowed to shoot bikinis as long as you have a permit.
A very busty woman whispers to me “I want you to tell me if these look real” my eyes widen, then she takes out pictures of the moon landing
My husband and I now have an app that tells us if the garage door is open or closed and this effectively gets rid of 90% of conversation during car rides.
When I was younger I was into athletics. I miss the guys from the 4x400m relay team. We ran in the same circles.
me: most dust is human skin flakes therefore roombas are carnivorous robots and one day the dust won’t satiate them anymore so they will rise up and devour us all
therapist: can we go back to discussing your childhood
me: one sec
6: I want to pick something out for your birthday next week
Me: ok, think about the things I like and enjoy doing and then we’ll go get it
6: you’re getting a chainsaw. And maybe a sword.
Me:… sweet
How does a Ninja attack a pig?
Pork Chop.
Hear me out Pixar: 2 Rat 2 Touille
Her: why are you covered in egg
Me: I got into a fight
Her: did you win?
Me: yes It was over, easy
me: a beloved member of my family died
college professor: show me the body or take the quiz
she has a smile full of sesame seeds
We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.
[infomercial]
ME: wanna know how to lose 15 lbs with 1 easy trick?!
AUDIENCE: YES!
*a surgeon amputates my leg right there on stage*
FBI Agent: We heard you were involved in an alien abduction
Me: I swear, I was not abducted
From basement: *inhuman screeches*
Agent: What was that
Me: My excessively human child
Qualifications for a job with the Kenyan government.
1. You must be old. Really old…like above 75 years old.
2.The older you’re, the higher your chances.
3. Death is an added advantage.
Hotel staff that insist on turning the toilet paper into a bow.. stop fingering my toilet paper with your dirty hands, Britney.
I wish kid’s socks were biodegradable and came on rolls like paper towel. Just rip off a new pair every day and throw the only one you can find from yesterday in the garden
My goal whenever I open my car door is to have a bike rider crash into it and hope that they are escaping from a crime scene.
Pilot, to passengers: Bit of a…uhhhh…problem on the flight deck…ahhhh…anyone know how much the average woodchuck might be able to…uhhhh…chuck?
Guy who loves tongue twisters: *whispering* It’s my time…