I can’t remember a time in my life when an update for Acrobat Reader wasn’t available.
You Might Also Like
Why do birds suddenly appear anytime you are near?
Him: *hiding bread crumbs in his pockets*
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
Each year millions of innocent lives are lost when they accidentally board the wrong plane bound straight for the waiting mouth of a child.
Sharon pls come back just because it’s bouncy doesn’t mean it’s not a house
“And the award for best empty chasm goes to…Howling Void!”
HOWLING VOID: [howling]
Therapy isn’t enough. I need to run my brain through the dishwasher.
My wife’s yoga class is really relaxing…
‘Cuz she’s usually gone for at least two hours.
You know what they say,
so I won’t tell you.
A little birdie told me it’s your birthday and a giraffe told me to rob a bank and I think I took the wrong medication this morning.
the human. who snuggled. my human. the other night. is here again. BUT. this time. however. they brought. my fren and i. treats.. we approve
The best baby age is when they say “baby” when they see another baby as though they themselves are not in fact also a baby.
By substituting your morning coffee with green tea, you can reduce up to 94% of what little joy you had left.
It’s a good thing this pandemic is almost over and we’ll be returning to the office soon because I’m almost out of Post-it Notes at home.
We’d have serious problems if Peter Jackson ever became president. He’d look at World Wars I and II and see them as an unfinished trilogy.
Russian roulette, except it’s me sneezing three times in a row while driving
I just listened to an great session on “Designers and Gyaan” hosted by @dharmeshba. It provokes a lot of good questions. I can’t help but contrast this with academia. In academia, I get the teaching/speaking opportunities based on how well I “publish.” Many professionals, 1/n
Starting a band called “Get Off The Stage” so I can pretend everybody’s cheering me on
Just said, “Because I said so!,” and my mom called demanding her royalty check.
waiter: is pepsi ok
pepsi: take a look around you, does any of this seem ok
Working from home really has its benefits. I can’t even remember the last time I wore pants.
Woman delivering my pizza:
Genius idea!!
Autocorrect turned your lynch mob into a lunch mob? Maybe if you ate something you wouldn’t be so angry.
some people are so convincing that if they say thermodynamics is a flask, I believe
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
I always take the high road, because the colors are more psychedelic and sometimes you see a unicorn.
god: make a guy who brings children presents
angel: aww that’s nice
god: have him slide through chimneys at night
angel: wait what
god: i want him to scream ho ho ho while riding a flying sled pulled by a bunch of those horned horses
angel: dude
This summer, a rom-com dares to ask the question, “Can a 9 date an 8?”
I think my house is possessed. My kid did everything I asked him to this morning. Without complaining.
DENTIST: I need to test how sensitive you are
ME: Ok
DENTIST: You have a stupid haircut
ME *lip starts trembling*
DENTIST: I see
Stop telling everyone I’m posting from earth. People don’t need to know where I live.