PHARMACIST : Take this medication with food.
ME : Relax, buddy. I take everything with food.
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*gets into canoe*
Guide: Ok, everyone grab an oar!
*gets out of canoe*
It’s possible to suck at everything if you put your mouth to it.
Yes, this is exactly right
Y’all I saw eyes in the forest on my walk tonight and got kind of scared until I used my flashlight and now I’m DYING
She said she didn’t want me to touch her with a ten foot pole. I said ma’am I’m flattered but it’s not that long.
Axl Rose: Where do we go?
Me: Left
Axl: Where do we go now?
Me: Straight.
Axl: Oh, where do we go now?
Me: Damn it, Axl, let me drive!
[Joseph checking in to hotel]
“Is there WiFi?”
Only in the stable
*later to Virgin Mary*
“Honey, hotel was booked. Gotta stay in the stable”
Taxi driver: Where to?
Me: Inbetween one and three.
Taxi driver: Get out.
I often think if I’d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.
Women have all the answers to all your questions.
And you don’t even have to ask.
Me: Be still you have something on your face.
4: Is it a snail?
Me: No. Why would a snail be on your face?
4: I don’t know mommy weird stuff happens sometimes.
Cute animal videos may be turning me vegetarian. Off the menu so far: donkeys, sugar gliders, and bumblebees born without wings.
I just saw an article titled “Can We build a Real Jurassic Park?”
DID YOU FORGET WHAT HAPPENED IN THE MOVIE?!
papa cloud: alright little fella, no more diapers
little cloud: *tinkling over desert*
papa: no no no! rainforest, buddy, rainforest!!
When I retire I’m going to run from office.
Him: “So what’s your bedroom number?”
Me: “7”
Him: “oh really?”
Me: “yeah, how many pillows do YOU sleep with?”
from now on, if you email me about a deadline i missed, i am just adding you to a thread with everyone else i owe work. y’all can fight it out over who i’ve disappointed most urgently, i’ll be over here breathing into a paper bag erratically
If people winked in real life as much as they do on the Internet, the world would be about 542.67% creepier.
👃🏻: what are you wearing?
😋: Tide….WITH odor eliminator.
my best friend is a guy and we have a pact that if we’re both still single at 37 we’ll hunt each other for sport
if you fall at the winery that’s a sauvignon bonk
Do I lie completely still during sex? Yes, but what makes me unique is I mutter “light as a feather, stiff as a board” while I do it.
“Have you tried putting balogna in it?”
~me, as a marriage counselor
Arguing with your parents is like trying to explain how to download music from iTunes to a plant.
No my Darling, I won’t be skipping to the loo. I have a situation and I shall be walking, ever so slowly, ever so carefully, to the loo. Like I’m transporting nitroglycerin in a Conestoga over the Sierra Nevada.
them: you look just like a friend of mine
me: she sounds really pretty
Apparently, if you scream into a pillow at Target you have to buy it.
My doctor called and said they couldn’t use the stool sample that I sent in and asked if I could give them another and I’m like “I thought you’d never ask!”
This day is looking better already!
I need this dude and coffin dancers and I’m set!
MOM: [walks into daughter’s room, sees protest signs, history books, list of senators’ phone numbers on bed] Are you… politically active?