shout out to the insomniacs, only three more sleeps until halloween
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MOM SHE JUST KICKED ME AREN’T YOU GOING TO DO SOMETHING?
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am her mother
ARE YOU GOING TO SAY THAT FOR EVERY—
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am your mother
I’m naturally funny because my life is a joke
I hate it when I’m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.
Frozen (2013) A young girl spends years in solitude & must plan her parent’s funeral alone because her sister is secretly one of the X-Men
Mugger: Give me all your money!
Me: Ok
Mugger: *suddenly poorer*
My hand just touched toilet water. Now I’m on eBay looking for a second-hand hand.
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what good parents do.
ME: They call me Mr Universe
DATE: You workout?
ME: I’m constantly expanding
HIP-STAR WARS:
Obi Wan Quinoa-be VS. Darth Vaper
Maybe, just maybe, passwords wouldn’t be so insecure if we weren’t always asking them to change.
People who like to ask, “What do you like to do for fun?” are the reason I carry an air horn in my purse.
I took away my 5 year-old’s iPad as he was somewhat uncouth during dinner last night, and now he is walking around the house yelling “Siri, tell me where you are!”
Bruh 😭😭😭😭
Just go ahead and put “She always had to pee” on my tombstone, because that’s how everyone’s going to remember me.
Is this you?
Ran in the store to get something healthy for breakfast
I got to tell you that this peanut butter, chocolate iced donut is delicious
One day I’m gonna write a book about a recipe blogger that confesses to murder in every single recipe on their website but they never get caught because no one reads the 12 pages of text before the recipe.
Mom: Wanna help gift rap?
Me: In West Philadelphia born and raised on the playgro– oh you mean WRAP? Nah homegirl you’re on your own.
Sometimes I’m sandpaper and sometimes I’m chapstick and sometimes I’m bad at metaphors.
My mom- I need you to fix my email
Me- What’s your email address?
My mom- Verizon
[sees a meathead at the gym flipping a giant tire end over end]
ME: Put it on its side and it’ll roll, idiot
I got arrested for punching a mime and the judge sentenced me to six months of community theater
My Ebola outbreak brings the CDC to the yard and they’re like, sir that’s just irritable bowel syndrome.
No one is more full of crap than a parent who threatens to take away electronics for a week.
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
Never feel more attractive than when my picture of cornbread gets almost as many likes as my selfie. “She’s ok, but she’s no cornbread.”
Eternal damnation for the sorry acquaintance who cons you into watching his favorite film and keeps looking to see if you’re reacting.
I’m going to name my daughter Chilada so that when her siblings have children, they will call her Aunt Chilada.
[during sex]
me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*
Him, a vampire: This isn’t going to work.
Her: Is it because my name is Buffy?
Him: Yes.
Her: Hey, don’t hate the slayer, hate the name.