Gary born
Gary child
Gary teenager
Gary middle-aged
Gary Oldman
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FUN PRANK: tweet “going hang gliding!!!!” then don’t tweet again for 12 years
My baby reminds me of Freddy Kruger: he’s got long, sharp fingernails, is most terrifying at night, and forces you to survive on no sleep.
I don’t understand how people use plastic wrap successfully.
migraine |my-grain|
noun
1 a recurrent severe headache
2 what a farmer shouts in disbelief after a terrible storm destroys his wheat field
I have more pictures of food on my phone than I do of my children.
Kidnapper: we have your wife
Me: you sonofa-it was HER turn to take the kids to the park today!
[wife frantically searching the house]
Have you seen the kids, I’ve looked everywhere
[me napping on couch]
OMG HOW LONG HAVE WE HAD KIDS
Becoming my own secret santa by forgetting the purchases i made in the middle of the night half asleep.
If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die
“Did you just elect a pope in there?” he asked as the vape cloud billowed from her car window.
People who dip their pizza in ranch dressing have killed and will kill again.
Trick your partner into thinking you’ve been to Costco by coming home with a canoe & a years supply of dishwasher tablets.
*jesus picks up bread*
this is my body
*jesus picks up wine*
this is my blood
*jesus picks up guitar*
this is the STORY OF A GIRL
Me: “Take me to your leader!”
60,000 bees: *Just stuffing me awkwardly into the hive*
My dog has zero loyalty. You have a tennis ball? She’ll go home with you.
In her defense, I’ll do the same if you have carbs.
GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.
When my nudes go to the cloud I always hope God is impressed.
[first day as a cashier]
*intercom* can I get a price check on…die john mustard.
Every time I go to bed early my cat decides this is the night she will find and kill god
wife: i’m going into labor
husband: when
wife: now
husband: [sets plate of nachos down] jesus christ karen i just made these
Can we get Downton Abbey-style series about the Hogwarts janitors and kitchen staff?
It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.
asbestos? I’m doing asbestos I can
I’ve heard that there are people that can keep every room of their house clean at the same time
At my house the rooms have to take turns being clean, kind of like the kids
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
Note to self: I am a note
If you have any questions or concerns please don’t. Hesitate to ask.
That awkward moment you have long eye contact with someone who’s really attractive, only cause it’s too hard to walk away from the mirror.
They should invent clothes that get fat with you
[couple tossing baby back and forth]
[music stops]
judge: custody granted
dad: [holding baby] AW DAMMIT