A beloved neighborhood bagel shop called Schmear We Go Again
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I have almost 500,000 miles on my office chair …. So I got that going for me.
wife: you’re listening to too much theatrical heavy metal
Me: behold! The weaver of lies! A dark seamstress of shadows lurks amongst us
cow: I hate when you boss me around
farmer: what’s that supposed to mean?
cow: you herd me
Wife: I need you to do some things around the house this weekend
Me: I’m way ahead of you
Wife: no, like helpful things
Me: ah
In my day, no one checked how old you were when you started kindergarten. We got left at the door and told to look 5.
I hate when people do that thing in traffic that I also do.
Obi-wan: These aren’t the droids
Stormtrooper: They look like them
Obi: So all droids look the same to you?
Trooper: No, I-
Obi: Racist
Welcome to your 40s: see that kid over there dressed up like a cop, he’s actually 27, and he is a cop.
From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.
wanted: shrödingers cat
dead and alive
[Valentine’s Day]
Me: I got you a bunch of flowers
GF: Thanks
Me: There were loads just by the roadside. Got you a teddy and a candle too
if you ever feel useless, remember someone made a protective cover for Nokia 3310
Parenthood is stepping in something wet in your socks.
I forgot to pay off my exorcism loan, and now I’m being repossessed.
A miracle birth, then resurrection. Accept Frosty the Snowman as your personal savior.
Went out of town, came back and the roomba changed all the locks
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
ME: The cupboard keeps opening
HANDYMAN: I see why
M: Ghosts?
H: …This screw’s loose
M: Right… But where would ghosts get a screwdriver?
“Did you get my text?”
Option 1: No? When did you send it?
2: I was just about to reply
3: Yes, I thought I replied?
4: I typed a reply but didn’t press send
5: I lost all my numbers and didn’t know who it was
6: My phone’s been weird today
7: Yes, need to talk to you about that
I let 8 stay up late last night which helped when i told him it was time for bed he just said ok and went right to sleep. haha i’m jk he still lost his shit.
doctor: are you sexually active?
me: buddy, i’m not even regularly active
Wrestling is the only sport that gets more embarrassing when you become a professional.
Your call is important to us, we’ll interrupt calming music every 30secs for the next 20mins to remind you that your call is important to us
[new job]
BOSS: how bout u introduce yourself
ME: I’m Howie
BOSS: Howie?
ME: Dewitt
BOSS: everyone this is Howie Dewitt
ME: *starts dancing*
Friend:*terrified* don’t make a sound and maybe the killer won’t find us
Me: *quietly tries to tighten velcro sneakers*
I know a couple who’s kids names are Zayden, Izyan and Fender. They just named their new dog Dan.
HER: this isn’t working out
ME: is it because I’m too literal?
HER: I just don’t want to see you any more
ME: ok *gently closes her eyes*
Why do people say half a dozen?
Why can’t they just say Six
I am 36 years old. I could have been a dog three times by now.
*about to rob bank
Me: you cool
Partner: as a cucumber
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually cucumbers are room temperature
Me: why is he here again