Me: 🎶 Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away 🎶
Optometrist: “You need glasses.”
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[first date]
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a scientist.
Her: Cool. What kind?
Him: Mad. *electrical storm begins outside*
If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.
Them: Your body is your friend.
Me: Friends don’t wake you up at 4am.
[In meeting]
Boss: any comments?
Me: I wish I was drunk right now.
bro think about being homies w Joaquin Phoenix in “her”. trying to console him over his broken heart but at the same wanting to be like “dude she is a phone”
Coworker: sorry to bother you
Me: you should be
I’m perfectly happy to listen to the opinion of anyone who agrees with me.
Me: I got the birthday cake for our son
Wife: It says Happy 3rd Birthday Josh
Me: oh shit he’s gonna be 4 isn’t he
Wife: His name is Jake
My neighbours just submitted a petition that I stop setting traps for stray pigs after I caught my 16th police man today.
Genie: you have 2.81 wishes.
Me: i thought it was three?
Genie: taxes.
spider-man is good at witty comebacks, because with great power comes great response ability
Starbucks says it will close 150 stores next year.
And that’s just in one mall.
Me: How is your chicken?
Mario: It needsa salt.
Me: Uh… ok *punches chicken*
So the ex texted me
Someday, maybe a year or a decade from now, we’ll look back on this day and think, “Crap I completely forgot to pick up my kid from daycare.”
astrology is fake.
my sign is two fish. and YET, i am just one human and bad at swimming
My three biggest fears are mouses, wolfs & proper pluralization.
People have ruined this planet and now they’re just like “Tag, you’re it!” to Mars.
This needs to be over soon because my husband is starting to realize I’m not out of his league.
Not to victim-blame, but maybe Bruce Wayne’s father shouldn’t have brought his wife and 8 yr old son to a place called Crime Alley.
*At an auction*
Me: So…I’m outta cash. 😬
Host: What now? 🤨
Me *bids farewell*
Anchor:Actress Zooey Dechanel has murdered an entire town
Co-Anchor:Lol who murders a whole town
A:So quirky
C:Haha America’s sweetheart
I used to workout to get laid. Now its to impress whoever will be performing my autopsy.
Salesperson: Hi ma’am can I help you?
Me: Yes, I am looking for a kitchen table.
Salesperson: Ok, but why are there 4 baskets of laundry behind you?
Me: I have to make sure my laundry fits on it before I buy the table. Duh.
I showed my kids how to use encyclopedias. I stacked four of them to reach something on the top shelf.
A REAL CONVERSATION I HEARD BETWEEN TWO GROWN MEN AT TIRES PLUS:
Man #1: *getting ready to pay* Is it a swipey swipe
Man #2: No it’s a chippy chip
I can’t blame this generation too much for doing stupid stuff. My generation thought 7 Police Academy movies were a good idea
Cop: I can only hold you for another hour
Criminal: Then you’re just gonna let me go?!
Cop: You know I gotta work, babe
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
“Move miss, please get out of the way. Please get out of the way, miss. Please get out of the way.”- Ludacris’s cousin, Kurteous