They say that wherever you travel becomes a part of you. So I’m pretty sure I’m 98% living room.
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I get it crossfitters, if I did that I’d be angry, too.
Sherlock: You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper- no middle management. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Barista: *rubbing temples* Again, just say the name on the cup and say “Have a nice day.”
Are 19th Century menstrual pads called period pieces?
three old people next to me at this coffee shop hanging out and catching up. one of them says “your daughter is doing well? has her ducks all in a row?” and the other says “welllll there’s a few geese in there” and all three of them laughed until they cried. gasping for air.
It took 3 minutes to get my baby out via c-section and yet it takes me a solid 15 minutes to get a toy out of its packaging!?!?
Why am I easier to open than a toy?!?
[grocery store robbery]
ROBBER: *sets gun on conveyor belt so cashier sees*
ME(next in line): *slowly places grocery separator behind gun*
Thinking about the time I invited a date over for a BBQ & asked him to pass me the hot dog knife so I could pry hot dogs out of the package. He stopped & said “Hot dog knife?” At which point, I realized other people did not have designated hot dog knives. There was no 2nd date.
Why are they called drug mules instead of methengers?
They should have to tell you that there will be a 20-parent group text when you’re signing your kids up for little league.
Please be on notice:
From this point forward, I shall tweet exactly whatever autocorrect provides.
I’m sorry if that isn’t exact whet you were expectorant.
Why didn’t Wile E. Coyote just spend all that Acme money to buy an actual dinner?
Coworker: Do you have any snacks?
Me: WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK I HAVE SNACKS? DO I LOOK LIKE I HAVE SNACKS?
Coworker:
Me: Top desk drawer.
i like my men the same way i like my coffee; steadily getting cooler, as i inevitably forget they’re sitting next to me.
[pre-op]
Me: In just a few minutes we’ll administer your euthanasia.
Patient: Don’t you mean anesthesia?
Me: Sure. Whatever.
“you changed, bro” yeah no shit i’m a cockroach. please help me out of bed
To my friends: You smile, I smile, you hurt, I hurt, you cry, I cry, you jump off a bridge. I’m gonna miss your e-mails.
Our nephew told us his rap name was Roast Beef, and until my last breath on earth, I’m gonna remind him of this as much as possible.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
My first subtweet was in the 3rd grade when I added extra glitter to Nathan’s Valentine.
If you know, you know 😂🚔
POLICE CHIEF: so did you solve the case
ME: not yet, I spent all week hanging these pictures and newspaper clippings on the wall and connecting them with yarn
CHIEF: …
ME: looks cool doesn’t-
CHIEF: totally looks cool
Why does everyone keep telling me to ‘grow a pear’? I don’t even like pears.
Feng shui consultant: The refrigerator shouldn’t be next to the couch.
Me: You’re fired.
Everything was great until I opened my mouth.
– An autobiography
What’s up with you needing to tell me you’re a ‘native New Yorker’ thru your license plate? Is it like ‘babe, we should move over. There’s a native New Yorker coming up behind us’?
They should make erasers for Crayons called “Crayoffs”.
He’s a one eyed optometrist with a cauliflower addiction. She hunts babies for sport. But could a chance Christmas encounter mean a forever love blossoms. Find out this Saturday on The Hallmark Channel.
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because kids that eat Taco Bell can’t climb, or run.
me: what do you know about atoms?
friend: very little
me: besides that