Me: You’re such a good boy.
Dog: *tail wagging* Please leave the room so I can eat the couch.
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Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my girl’s hair. Its a nice way to let her know I love her and also that were out of napkins
Everyone hates their job until someone brings cupcakes in.
In case you needed to hear it:
$175 an hour, $175 an hour…
– my therapist’s notes
“My hair is noisy”
“My toe nails are itchy”
“someone peed in my pants”– A list of my 4 year-old’s 3 a.m. Grievances.
My uterus has decided that every single time I come to the beach this summer is period time.
Not to be a Scrooge, but if you play or even hum along with Christmas music before December 10, you should be sent to a concentration camp.
Me: *digging a hole* Sorry, honey. Just following the social distancing orders.
Him: It’s six feet APART, not under.
Me: Just get in.
If I was a microplastic I would simply not go in the ocean or anyone’s mouth.
If Reincarnation ends up being real…
Those People who got “YOLO” tattoos are going to look… Pretty Silly
My wife says I’m a clueless idiot.
I didn’t even know I had a wife.
BOSS: Don’t just stand there.
ME: Bust a move?
BOSS: What?
ME: Nothing, I’ll go make some copies.
13-year-old: I need cool clothes.
Me: I think your clothes now are pretty cool.
13: That’s the problem
*looks up from phone*
Great, I’m inside of a coffin again.
Watching the Super Bowl because I’m a lifelong fan of knowing what everyone’s talking about the next couple days.
Ah yes, time for the biannual gaslighting of the cat, in which I slowly shift meals by 15 minutes at a time for two weeks in a ritual that is both mystifying and infuriating for him.
I accidentally stepped on my cat’s tail the other day. You could cut the levels of tension, hurt and mistrust with a knife. I feared for my life. Feline retaliation was nigh. That night she threw up on my bed. Balance was once again achieved.
When someone you don’t wanna see tries to make plans with you
Before sprinting towards the elevator, ask yourself, “Am I hot enough to make them hold the door?”
Officer: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: Um…could you give me a hint?
O: You were sp–
M: No, don’t tell me-I said a hint.
O: Sir…
I’m starting an emu farm and calling it ‘no fly zone’ so the birds don’t feel bad.
5-year-old: *walks up behind me when I’m on the computer* What game are you playing?
Me: Pay the bills.
5: Are you winning?
Me: No.
me: [running from the police] you’ll never catch me!
cop: [unplugs the treadmill]
Them: oh I was just talking about you!
Me, jokingly: nothing bad I hope? Ha ha
Them:
Me: oh
COP: drop the gun
CRIMINAL: no
COP: [flipping through police handbook, whispers to partner] it doesnt say what to do if he says no
Sometimes you look at an ex and think maybe they’re not so bad. And then they start to talk and remind you why you hate them.
Son, your mom and I have been fighting a lot lately and we have decided that *dad piledrives mom into the coffee table* we’re gonna go pro.
if u choke a Smurf what color does it turn
“I decided I wanted to be a ninja so I googled “Ninja School”, followed the link and the page could not be found. Well played, Ninja School”
From a distance, I look like a regular dude. Up close I look like Picasso painted Nicolas Cage.