First person ever: I HAVE SEVERAL HOLES IN MY FACE WHAT IS HAPPENING
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Her: Wow, you know all the right moves in bed. How’s about a second go but this time lose the hat
Ratatouille hiding in my hair: Tell her your head is cold
[Clinic waiting room]
Me: WHEN DO WE DO BUTT STUFF??!
Nurse: Sir don’t shout that!
Me: [whispering to old lady next to me] butt stuff. when?
I told my husband I wanted a hedgehog and he said we don’t need a hedgehog. Long story short, we’re picking it up on Thursday.
Name an organ more dramatic than the uterus
Like, she doesn’t get a baby and she throws an absolute fit. Tearing everything down and throwing it out in the lawn so now it’s everyone’s problem 🙄
This is my emotional support chloroform rag
I don’t give a damn what the horoscopes say, get you a girl born in February. Amethyst is one of the cheaper birthstones and if you play your cards right you can do one of those Birthday-Valentine’s Day combo celebrations.
Hear me out. Cauliflower made out of pizza crust.
riding my roomba around the house dropping crumbs and tiny pieces of shit in front of it in the direction i wanna go
I have a huge gash in my forehead. I’m going to assume I got up in the middle of the night, fought some crime, and went back to bed.
MI5 warned today that Chinese espionage online is being conducted on an ‘epic scale’ in the U.K. Not on our watch, our security systems are 世界上最好的之一。
When you “pspspsp” too hard
Relationship status – table for one but drinks for two
My spirit animal is an upturned turtle.
I got groceries delivered from Safeway and there was a mix up where instead of hand soap and dish detergent I got a bag with 4 jars of salsa, I’m over here washing my hands with salsa and somewhere else in the city there’s a chips n’ soap party going on
I can’t blame this generation too much for doing stupid stuff. My generation thought 7 Police Academy movies were a good idea
Rent really don’t make no sense like why is my apartment getting a raise every year who is doing the performance review.
Establish dominance on Halloween by eating your neighbor’s jack-o-lanterns.
Me: can you help with the dishes?
5 [licks dirty silverware] yeah.
“Four Weddings and a Funeral” is my favorite movie with 25% as many funerals as weddings.
Whoever created lasagna was totally a stoner
I want noodles
Okay
Now sauce
Cool
Now cheese
Got it
Now noodles
You said that
Now cheese
WTF!
Never leave for tomorrow what you can eat today.
*At the bar*
Me: What do you have on tap?
Bartender: Bud and Bud Light
Me: I’ll have a Coke.
I think my husband is beginning to suspect
I refuse to care about a royal baby in England while the Burger King remains heirless. Does no one remember the horrors of the Burger Wars
dinosaur: omg a meteor
tyrannosaurus clark kent: *trying really hard to remove his glasses with his stupid little arms*
calf- calves
half – halves
self – selves
wolf – wolves
golf – golves
Hey guys, can so cleanse your timeline with a doggy trying to secretly steal its chewy from its sibling?
Thank you.
Credit: Imgur/bonjouretatsunis1776
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember when he parked.
I like my women like I like my eggshells: white and broken.
do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu