The 90s were wild. Scientists actually “cloned a sheep” as if we could tell sheep apart in the first place.
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A good comeback when someone doesn’t believe you’re a time traveler is “Yeah well nobody cried at your funeral.”
Queen Elizabeth dresses like she’s about to go to prom with Steve Harvey
I hate when sales people say stupid things like “Please stop undressing the mannequins, and your credit card has been declined again.”
[first date]
Me: don’t let her know you’re a lizard
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: (gets scared and loses my tail but I grow a new one)
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
it’s so important we compare women to other women because in the end, as we all know, there can only be one woman
My grandpa went broke like 6 times trying stupid get rich quick schemes and played tennis like 5 days a week never got good and then when he died we found a bunch of sex picture that he was taking with my grandma so I’m not sure that generation was much different tbh
Who called it the milk crate challenge and not broke back mountain
Bought a shirt in the UK. Care instructions say “iron whilst damp.”
I still have no idea when to iron that thing.
Marriage vows in the future will include things like “During pandemics, I promise not to judge how many glasses of wine you drink.”
Upon discovering that the good burger place I wanted to get dinner from is closed today, and feeling that no other place would do, I said, “I do not wish to sully my palate with an inferior burger,” and I sounded like if Mr. Darcy was a foodie throwing a tantrum.
My kid can’t see the backpack hanging on his doorknob but he can find a Kit-Kat bar I hid in the attic
If you don’t walk sideways chanting ‘crab people’ when holding tongs, we can’t be friends.
*RSVP’ing to Christmas party*
Whispering into phone: is it ok if I bring my weird roommate?
Husband, from behind me: STOP CALLING ME THAT
Just heard my husband in the kitchen telling our cat “You’re not hungry, you’re bored. Drink some water.”
I would travel a million miles to be with you for 30 minutes.
Unless I had to walk. Then it’s one block max.
I’m always here for you unless someone better looking needs me
Date: Let’s exchange numbers
Me: Won’t that confuse people who try to call us?
agent, on phone: my clients have decided to accept your third offer
me: it’s off the table
agent: {muffled} ..what about the second
me: also off the table
agent: {muffled} ..ok fine, they’ll take first then
me: hold on, let me get my cat out of here
So when you say R.I.P. To a dearly departed you are basically saying hey no zombie or walking dead stuff ??
me: can you calm down
The Leg Bounce™: I literally cannot
WATSON: do you even have a proper education?
SHERLOCK: Elementary, my dear Watson
WATSON: but, like, beyond that
SHERLOCK: nah
How do you say “bra” in German? Stopsemfromfloppin
ME: My new contacts are here!
WIFE: Don’t put them all on at once like you did last—
ME: [eyes wide] I CAN SEE YOUR BONES
[the wolf who ate Little Red Riding Hood and her Grandma scrolling twitter] there are two humans inside me lmfao
If you see me in Atlanta this weekend, at a Taylor Swift concert, that’s not me.
Why is it called stupidity and not a total eclipse of the smart?
When you’re married, you’re part of a team, there’s checks and balances, two brains are better than one, you guys can bounce ideas off each other.
But being single means never having to explain what you spent $8,345.65 on or why there’s a baby kangaroo living in your house
I never eat coins in front of vending machines because I don’t want them to fall in love with me.
I kinda want one of those priest collar thingys. If it gets me through airport security fast AND keeps kids away from me. I’m in.