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“Whoa nice car”
Thanks. I dropped 40K on a new set of wheels
[whispers to friend] “What kind of idiot spends $40,000 on tires”
Free will is good, but free pizza is better.
What did one tectonic plate say to another when he bumped into the other?
Sorry! My Fault!
You find my yoga pants distracting…
…would you like me to take them off?
Just saw a ‘Jesus 2020’ sign and I had no idea he was running
My kids pissed me off so much I bought some overalls to wear every day in public when they’re with me.
*Doorbell rings*
*it’s a regular kid*
“Trick or treat!”
…and what are you supposed to be?
*removes face, revealing an unending void*
HUMAN
Me: *trying to take a shower*
My brain: SPICE DWARVES
Me: No
Brain: Sleepy, Happy, Scary, Ginger, Sneezy, Baby and Posh
Me: Why
Brain: 🎶if you wanna be my lover, you gotta do all my chores
Me: Nobody cares about the Spice Girls anymore, what is wrong with you
Brain: 🎶Hi HOOOOOO
#WhenIMisspelled ya know.
#HighSchoolTaughtMe how to solve any math word problem
Did You Know?
Humans swallow EIGHT spiders in their sleep every year! Also, I talked to the spiders, and apparently tonight’s the night.
Netflix and oh great my wife is asleep already.
Nothing makes me worry more than the kids saying “Don’t worry, we cleaned it up”
Friend from out of town asked if he could crash on my couch. Had to explain to him that I’m married now, so that’s where I sleep.
“Pull over! Get out of the car slowly and let me see your shoes!” – fashion police
Apparently in yoga when the instructor says, ‘next we go into our downward dog,’ it is frowned upon to make the ‘bowchickabowow’ sound.
If I storm out of a room, there’s a 50% chance I’ll trip over something on my way out.
[starts Power Point presentation titled “Why I’m Breaking Up With You”]
Him: Wait, what the–?
Me: Please hold all questions until the end.
ME: who’s a good boy
*kissy noises*
DOG: I just murdered the cat
ME: you are, yes you are
*rubs dog’s head*
DOG: you’re next buddy
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
Me: Male Peacocks can’t fly because their tail is too heavy.
Beauty has its cost.Husband: I still don’t understand why your eyeliner costs 45 dollars.
hmm conte-me mais
Samurai holding sword: now we fight to the death
Me nervously clicking pen on: they better be right about this
we don’t give my son hot dogs not because they’re unhealthy, because he eats them with jelly & the judgement in public is too much
Random person outside of Target: is it ok if I pray for you?
Me: sure! While you’re at it can you pray they never find the knife and blood soaked clothes I buried? Kthanks!
We had 3 kids, but once TVs came w/ remotes we put them up for adoption
Googles ‘why everyone hates self-made rich geniuses’
*falls from grace*
PARKOUR!
WAITER: whaddaya have?
DADDY: go ahead son, tell the nice man what you want to eat
TODDLER: *extreme slingblade voice* you got any o’them french fried puhtaters? mmhmm
It’s Saturday night and I just saw a guy with a ponytail and tinted lenses. Somewhere, a tarantula is home alone