I’ve just completed a cohort study that confirms people can go longer without sex if they have an adequate supply of chocolate and peanut butter
I call it my Reese’s Thesis
You Might Also Like
[God creating armadillos]
Shove that mouse into a seashell
me: it’s the basis for all life on earth if you take my point so technically any form of romance is carbon dating
archaeologist: how did you find me?
ME IN 2010: My prospects for the future are bright and I am focused on them
ME IN 2017: I’m going to tweet about a raccoon who outwits me
6-year-old: You lose.
Me: I didn’t know we were playing anything.
6: That was your first mistake.
Personal Trainer: No pain, no gain
Me: Deal
I was not prepared for my knees to sound like some one is breaking spaghetti noodles in half every time I go up the stairs.
Sir. Your burrito is $5.97. With guacamole, your total comes to $386,932.32
Them: Do any vampires die in this movie?
Me: No it’s pretty low stakes.
“I’m in the best shape of my life!” -Newborn baby
Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer. Keep your frenemies in a dark basement filled with bees.
[toddlers, ordering in a restaurant] “garçon! your freshest fish crackers, for the lady, and for me – the sauce of one apple.”
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I was speeding.
Cop: And why were you speeding?
Me: My daughter said that the red car was winning, sir.
Cop: Omg, sorry I intervened. *shoots out red car’s back tire*
Niece: *screeching like a Valkyrie*
Me: *wasted, drunk-whispering which is just yelling*
Dad: *lecturing someone*
Sister: *bickering with husband*
FAMILY FEUD Host: THIS ISN’T HOW THIS WORKS!
Me: *throat-punches him*
Playing dodgeball with kids is harder than it looks cause you have to throw them with both hands.
This year’s Christmas must-haves? Food, water and shelter! #theclassics
[God wakes up] oh man i am hungover, what’d i do last night?
[sees that goats have the ability to scream now] haha oh yea
A woman rammed her grocery cart into mine and didn’t apologize, so I followed her around the store and took things out of her cart when she wasn’t looking.
I love when people spend 7 minutes trying to back into a parking space just so they can leave “quicker”
I paid $5.99 for The Interview. I now want North Korea to kill me.
“Now?”
“Not yet.”
“Now?”
“Not quite.”
*Car approaches*
“Now?”
“Now.”
-Deer crossing the road
Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.
One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm
Hobby Lobby and Chick-Fil-A have one thing in common: I never go there.
No sense buying a memory foam mattress if you’re just going to toss and turn all night, it’ll be confused.
I thought I found a baby owl today that needed help. He was an adult pigmy owl who let me pick him up then clawed and bit me. He is free now
Going to find a way to reprogram my Alexa so everytime my kids ask it a question it responds with “I don’t know go ask your mother”
If u love someone and they don’t love u back the first thing you need to do is make them a scrapbook with you both in little wedding outfits
her: did you know Weezer covered Africa
me: [impressed] with what
“Nope, not touching that… what else you got?”
-Me, as a therapist
I’m at a fancy restaurant so of course I ordered the Patricia melt.