Do you people like your catfish battered and deep fried?
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Tell me I’d look good in a potato sack or lose me forever
Fun like a LinkedIn notification
Otters drive ottermobiles.
i don’t want to get up. i want to stay in bed until the day my grandson wins tickets to a chocolate factory
[8 AM – calling doctor’s office]
Answering machine: Our office hours are Monday thru Thursday 9:15 AM to 4 PM. We are closed from 11 AM to 2 PM for lunch. We are closed Friday and weekends. Please leave a message. [beep]
Me: Are you…are you guys hiring?
[in bed]
Her: *seductively whispering* in the mood for a midnight snack?
Me: *Oreo crumbs all over my face* I’m way ahead of you
My wife finally got a “Brazilian”.
He seems nice.
Don’t sell yourself short, in fact, don’t sell yourself at all. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal
Oh, I bet you would be
is it considered a threesome if i jack off with both hands?
My insurance does not cover Jesus taking the wheel. I checked.
House arrest? Your Honor, if anyone is going to be punished here it should be me. My house has done nothing wrong.
#MyRoommateIsWeird she keeps having babies and making me take care of them. She also insists I call her ‘Wife’
“I maul out of love” – Bear Supply
My self help-seminar, “Stop Blaming Others” canceled due to my incompetent staff.
employment tip: when the interviewer says you will “wear a lot of hats,” they don’t mean they’re going to give you a bunch of cool hats. they’re just going to make you do a bunch of jobs. it’s all very sad
If he marries someone else, raises a family, and leads a very fulfilling life, maybe he’s just not that into you.
Piglet: *sees recipe book* Honey-glazed…Pooh, what’s ham?
WinniethePooh: A food that goes well with honey. Now, how about a nice hot bath?
The next Godzilla/King Kong universe movie:
“How I Met Your Mothra”
“It got weird, didn’t it? ”
*Leaves on a pogo stick.*
Toddlers will take your last nerve, deep fry it and eat it for breakfast.
*Knocks on Misery’s door*
Me: Hey! I heard you love company.
Misery *through mail slot*: not you
Instead of a promise ring, I wear an onion ring
I’m saving my appetite for something pure
[yelling at a maple tree] Release your pancake sauce to me you piece of shit
*i look my lawyer dead in the face*
I said ask him.
*lawyer stands up*
Your honor my client would like to know where you got that robe.
My gravestone will probably say: Oh yeah? Well you’re all dead to me too.
With sufficient velocity, any object can be an effective weapon. Unfortunately this kitten is not cooperating.
“Stay weird” she said, like I have a choice
wife’s facebook post: so proud of 8, he’s trying so hard in school! mama loves you!
wife’s text to me: he failed gym. gym!! i need a drink
SANTA IS WATCHING! Me, a Jewish mother, to her children in September.