Date: I enjoy living here, but I do miss West Virginia
Me: *excited* MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Would you please stop doing that every time I say West Virg-
Me: MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Ugh, please just take me home
Me: *ecstatic* COUNTRY ROOOADS
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Me: gets up, wakes kids, empties dishwasher, makes lunches, helps make kid beds, does kids’ hair, makes breakfast for everyone, showers, makes coffee, does laundry
Hubs:
I just got an email from twitter saying they miss me
Ya I miss me too
Welcome to Gullible Victim Club.
Lol. I can’t believe you showed up. Now gimme your purse or I’ll stab you.
[I time travel to 1998]
Guy: This is the first showing of Mulan, how does that dude in the front row already know the words to all the songs
My dad, a pilot rescued on French soil, behind a hidden wall panel with 8 Jewish children as the Nazis search, quietly opens a bag of chips
[30 years into the future]
me: you know netflix used to send films by post
my amazon smart watch: 0.3% Productivity loss detected. Hourly rate reduced to $1.12 for 7m21s. Please refrain from talking on the packing line. Please say “Productivity” to acknowledge
me: productivity
Me: Is this birdcage made out of nickel?
Pet Store: Aluminum I think
Me: So there’s no nickel in this cage?
Pet Store: Don’t you dare!
Me: It’s a nickleless cage
Pet Store: GET OUT!
I’m at my most Alzheimer’s when Billy is that you?
Fortune cookie- You will have a successful TV show.
Me- How old is this cookie?!
My husband hates sex so much he left on a two week business trip. Three weeks early!
Boss: you’re fired
Me: *slams fist on couch* you woke me up for this?
Coworker: Do you ever think about work at home?
Me: I don’t even think about work at work.
Every time I watch, “The Shining” I am overwhelmed by how sweet a gig he has.
Sex is great, but have you ever ate some fries after doing keto for 6 months?
80’s rap was like being in 5th grade and trying to find words that rhymed with “hat.”
Lmao
“Kids, are you asleep?”
Kids:
*turns off the wifi*
MUUUUUUUUUUM
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
I try not to drink in the office because if the boss finds out he may ask me to share
We just joined a gym and they asked me to pick a 4 digit member number and I opened my mouth and my husband said, “I stg if you use your bank pin.”
I was, in fact, going to use my bank pin💀
It can be hard to see beyond the limited perspective any one individual is offered in this tiny life, but try to spare a moment’s empathy for the poor task rabbiter I just hired to install my parents’ WiFi.
People have ruined this planet and now they’re just like “Tag, you’re it!” to Mars.
On the first day of Christmas my 2yo gave to me…
A cold that will last all week
I guess what I’m trying to say is that 4 glasses of wine makes it exponentially more difficult to get out of the bathtub.
When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard
My second thought is virgin wizard
I lied and told someone, “I can’t go to your party I have diarrhea.” I actually do have diarrhea but historically that hasn’t stopped me
‘Triskaidekaphobia’ is the word for an irrational fear of the number 13.
But why does Big Dictionary have no word for if the fear is rational? Like, maybe the number 13 killed your family, or cut your brake lines.
Stay woke, friends.
The year is 1981. Everybody’s working for the weekend.
2044: the weekend becomes sentient.
2048: Everybody’s working for the weekend.
Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?
me: *sees a dead bird* this is a bad omen
wife: you’re ruining thanksgiving