BOSS: lunch on me today. any ideas?
“pizza”
“sushi”
ME: *suspicious that jeff in HR is an anteater* ants?
[i stare at jeff for his reaction]
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Kids: Yay! We have a 4 day weekend!
Me: *drinks wine straight from bottle*
He said he thinks I’m resilient to everything, so I thanked him, but on second thought, he may have low key called me a cockroach
the nice thing about always being late is never having to worry about getting worms
Waiter: Fresh pepper, sir?
Me: Yes, please.
Pepper: Honey, I’m as single as a dollar and I’m not lookin’ for change.
I’ve opened a can of worms. They just sit there, the worms. Hardly the chaos that’s been advertised.
I want to surprise my boyfriend by sending him a sexy pic while he’s at work, but I can’t decide what outfit to put on the cat.
I could easily defuse any bomb as long as the bomb squad guy told me what to do through the headset
My wife is terrified of thunderstorms. The banging outside the window is horrendous, but if we let her in she’ll just get the dog all wet.
Met a dog named Donut. I don’t need that kind of reminder all day. Excuse me, I have to go take Smaller Portions for a walk.
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Maybe they have better connections than you.
taking myself on a date tomorrow I really hope I put out
Kid: Hey Mom.
Me: I’m asleep.
Kid: Where is the switch to the garbage disposal?
Me: I’M AWAKE.
Now I find out my ground hands are actually called feet wtf is going on today
Nice try, NASA
“A beast, you say. Have you tried stabbing it? I see. And your knives, are they steely? Hm. I’ll send someone up right away, sir.”
Everyone talking about a baby boom in nine months can only be talking about first borns
The last thing anyone quarantined at home with kids right now wants is more kids
There is no such thing as bad cheese there is only bad people who didn’t eat the cheese fast enough.
DOCTOR: You’ve suffered a brain injury. It’s affected your hippocampus
ME:What? Lol sorry I was picturing hippos at college. Who are u again
He: “I think all my dating apps are in Halloween mode.”
She: “Halloween mode?”
He: “Yes, everyone is ghosting me.”
#Halloween #RubbishJokes
WHY IS THAT COTTON CANDY TALKING?!
“Grandma, that’s Niki Minaj.”
My daughter told me I’m “slightly prettier than Ben Franklin,” so I have that going for me.
monster under my bed: I’m gonna eat you
me: [pulls covers over head] your move
guy: what should we call our ritual for contacting the dead
shawn: a shawnce
sean: I have a better idea
I accidentally used my son’s body wash, now I hate jackets and just called my mom bruh
My friend just ordered a kale and quinoa salad and a side of eggplant fries and now I’m blinded by whiteness.
Not too drunk to do the project but too drunk to drive to Home Depot. So you see my dilemma.
Meanwhile at the drugstore…
What do you mean I can’t drink alcohol with this medication?
You’re not a bartender!
You’re just a pharmacist.
If coronavirus isn’t about beer then why do they keep talking about cases of it
it’s ok if no one “gets” you; do what’s right for you. avoid people who make you feel bad. entomb your enemy, alive, in a wine cellar. become a lighthouse keeper who guides phantom ships to the underworld. you do you.
Out of all the cookies in the world, these HTTP cookies taste the worst.