*robbers burst into bank*
EVERYONE PUT YOUR HANDS UPDOG
*bank manager frowns*
What’s updog?
WE’RE ROBBING THIS BANK WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
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*shuffles around on carpet in fuzzy socks for several minutes*
Okay, let’s go to your stalled car and give this a try.
When the audio cuts out at the end of a newscast and the anchors start chit-chatting I like to pretend it’s about my surprise party.
At the rate at which my kid’s school asks for money, they must think I won the lottery.
Getting out of bed in the morning always gave me a headache until I tried it feet first.
Don’t we all.
In Twilight, if Jacob just got some therapy maybe he could be a Self-Awarewolf
Edgar Allan Poe Because Edgar Allan Got No Job
My toddler woke up upset because he couldn’t find his glasses, but what really set him off was when I told him he doesn’t even wear glasses.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
Condoms do not guarantee safe sex.
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.
oh cool you can play this toilet on hard mode
No bond is stronger than two coworkers who hate the same person.
Why does it have to rain men? Why can’t it rain something useful like Doritos?
ok guys the gofundme I set up to hire a hitman to kill me is already at 3x its goal you can stop contributing
Her: Stop telling my friends you’re a faith healer
Me: Did I or did not cure a ham last week, Linda?
Me: Babe, out of my purse can you bring me my…
*Husband brings entire purse*
Wife: Did you hear the water park went out of business?
Me: Oh no!
Wife: What?
Me: Bankruptsea!
Green tea reduces weight*
*Only if you go and pick the leaves from the mountains yourself.
that earthquake in LA was actually a huge crowd of white girls rushing into a wal-mart to buy a green t-shirt last minute
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
Accidentally said “No kidding,” instead of “No problem” after someone thanked me for helping them today, if anyone knows of a nice bridge I can leap from.
Old age is nothing but a computer with 1000 GB of memory running on a celeron processor
I love how twitter uses little bluebirds to give the impression we are all sweet talkers. A couple of pterodactyls would be more realistic..
Not to brag but I’ve never met a chicken wing I didn’t like.
Sorry, can’t. I took my bra off and threw it across the room an hour ago. There’s no coming back from that.
That 👊
just shot off an email a split second before I realized I said “lick the link below”
sorry I can’t come to work today, my dog finally caught a bird this morning and I’m going to need the next 2-6 weeks to emotionally recover
Me: I love you
7yo: I love you too
Me: l love you to infinity
7yo: I love you to infinity too
Me: l love you more than ice cream
7yo:
7yo: what flavor?
ME: Sorry we’re late. My daughter couldn’t find her pet spatula.
DAUGHTER: Chad.
ME: Yes. Chad the Spatula.