i want to try Dungeons and Dragons but you need more than 3 friends to even start?? that’s the hardest dungeon of all
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Girlfriend: Did you get all the dishes?
Her (actual) boyfriend: I think so
Me: *from the bushes outside* You missed a cup, Todd
I love how they gave Scooby-Doo a speech impediment, as if people would be like “That makes sense, because dogs have difficulty speaking..”
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
2-year-old: The dog tastes like dirt.
Me: Don’t lick the dog.
2: He licked me first.
No matter how often I scream METALLICA in the poolside DJ’s face I don’t think he’s going to play them. Here come the police they’ll help me
I just watered a few plants so I’m ready to open a landscaping business.
“SELF CARE!” I scream as my trench coat full of monkeys scurries toward everyone’s wallets and watches.
Him: Can I have your number?
Me: *looks up from texting
I don’t have a phone.
If anyone were to look at my bathroom they’d be positive some kind of a struggle took place.
But nope, it was just me getting ready.
Margo: And why is the snow all wet, TODD?
Todd: I don’t KNOW, Margo!
“You should only have to tell them once”
– People with no children
God: okay so manatees, no necks on them, like wet potatoes
Angel: yes sir, and what shall I do with all the excess necks?
God: *smiles and looks over at the giraffe* YOU!
Angel: sir pls, he can’t possibly have al-
God: ALL THE NECKS!
Cilantro tastes like soap.
– People who eat soap, apparently
“I FIXED IT!”
My kids want a second dog for me to feed, walk and clean up after for Christmas.
Why does the minion look better in a thong than me? and other random thoughts
A fox: People aren’t so bad. I hear they named a news station after us.
[Watches 1 minute of Hannity]
We attack the humans at dawn.
doctor: what seems to be the problem
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
doctor: go on
t-rex: because I’ve got little arms
doctor: get out
I’m not average. I’m mean.
Wife: Ooh, did you already brush your teeth?!
Me, hiding my 7th Mint Julep: Yesh.
“I traded my carpet in for bare floors” –coworker. “Oh, me too. I love the shaved look.”, said me. Apparently, she really meant carpet.
when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo
if you find a corpse and nobody claims it in three days, well, free corpse
Calories are way less frightening if you think of them as points and you’re going for a high score.
I’ll bet when Godzilla first came out, God was like “Damn, that name’s way cooler.”
Me: [sat in car]
Cop: u forget something? [Points at baby still on roof in his carrier]
Me: OMG yes [gets out & puts on his flying goggles]
I wonder what went down that day to make them put *NO heavy petting* signs up at the public swimming pool
Our homeowner’s association just sent out a notice about dogs barking in the neighborhood which is so totally stupid cause dogs don’t read email.
I don’t normally cook. How much vodka do you add to the mashed potatoes?