Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
You Might Also Like
There are now more photos of girls in bathroom mirrors than there are of the entire 1940’s.
If I ever got a horse I would name her Grace, just in case I ever fell from her.
Once a lady asked me to guess her age. I don’t like playing this game but she insisted. I gave her a good look, estimated her age, and subtracted 10 years just to be safe. “37” I said. Well for a 26 yo she threw quite the fit.
Anyway the lesson here is don’t smoke cigarettes.
a weighted blanket just isn’t cutting it anymore. i need a hydraulic press
Me not wearing a bra is apparently a bat signal for anyone in the neighborhood who might need to come to my door for any reason .
Why don’t people ever put the big lights on in horror films?
So sick of all these stupid rules
*takes off Scooby-Doo head*
Rivorce?!
Sorry I’m late. I was standing in front of the cooler staring at names on Coca Cola bottles for 10 mins realizing how many people I dislike.
Personality test: do you tend to keep to yourself
Me: Yes
Personality test: you are an introvert
Me: Holy shit
Travel Tips
1. Pack light
2. Dress comfortably
3. Bring a book
4. Anything can happen
5. You’ll probably get killed
6. Don’t leave the house
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
I wrote a song called “I’m Walking Up a Hill.” Here are the lyrics:
[panting]
[panting]
[panting]
Jesus H. Christ
sure I’ll interpret that dream for you, it’s about hydration, they’re all about hydration. why else would you be driving a bus full of chickens.
[Funeral]
He died doing what he loved; throwing rocks at bears and saying “it’s fine, they’re way more scared of us than we are of them”
My girl put concealer on and now I can’t find her.
I was going to spend the next 6 years studying medicine to become a doctor. Then I realized I could just like Facebook photos to save lives.
Can’t wait for the air quality to improve so I can continue staying indoors and avoiding social commitments
No one has ever called me “daddy” in bed unless they had to throw up, pee, or wrecked a car.
I feel a bit deprived…….
I need to find just the perfect men’s swimsuit and then only ever wear it twice annually
dispatch: we have a home invasion robbery in progress on the far side of the lake
rowboat cop: *grabs oar* I’ll be there in 6 hours
What’s good for the Michigoose is good for the Michigander
God [creating winter precipitation]: Make it white, sparkly, quiet and serene.
Angel: It’ll be beautiful. They’ll love it.
God: Hmm. Make it slick and dangerous too. I don’t want to spoil them.
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
I keep my punching bag next to the fridge to let out my anger when there’s nothing to eat.
Dear animals who hide from humans, I get it.
[looking at a house that’s for sale on a native american burial ground down the road from the abandoned 140 year old asylum]
Me: I’ll take it.
NURSE: The other nurses and I bought you this box of chocolates for Valentines Day!
DR DOG: You’re joking, right?
Reverse cowgirl, so I can eat my ice cream without sharing.
Sometimes I feel doomed in dating, but then a random internet man with a profile pic of Deadpool writes “that’s cause u havent been with me yet ;)” and I am filled with joy and hope