“I can’t wait to see what my Happy Meal prize is! Wait…what the -”
[U2 is playing a free concert in the box]
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*cooking omelette for GF*
Me: “Want extra cheese, babe?”
Gf: “Sure baby”
*slowly turns up Aerosmith’s ‘I Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing’*
Bahaha. Loving the support, maybe we’ll get this handled.
Today we pretended we were dining out and it felt so real because right after the first bite my kids decided to go potty
My son couldn’t remember his head injury from the other day. That’s either a very good sign or a very bad sign.
they say penguins mate for life, but that’s bullshit cause my penguin left me first chance she had
Me: Pick up your toys please.
5yo: Who’s coming over?
Kinda miss the Jane Austen era where a man is driven mad by a woman’s hand being ungloved & yet oblivious to her heaving bosom falling out.
New York: The city that never sleeps.
Berlin: The city that never sleeps until Sunday.
Paris: The city that never sleeps alone.
sometimes late at night i look up at the stars and wonder what life would be like if my hair was spaghetti. would i eat it? i prolly would. would i eat other peoples hair spaghetti? again, most likely yes
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
4 year olds really apologize like “I’m sorry I accidentally did that on purpose.”
Remember, it doesn’t have to be the “perfect” muder, just an unsolvable one.
~me as a motivational speaker
This dog is a visual representation of my phone distracting me from work
People at work: you’re hilarious,man
Family: you’re really funny
Friends: you’re the funniest guy we know
Twitter: you’re occasionally witty, but don’t quit your day job
Wife: you’re an idiot. that’s not funny.
Me: *at the children’s museum* they seem so life like
Wife: those are our children
me: “what is a librarian’s favourite food?”
dog:
me: “SHUSHI lmao”
dog: [starts putting his toys in suitcase]
My wife is trying to turn on Alexa but keeps calling her Siri haha now I don’t feel as bad about last night.
My friend is looking for a single, normal, well adjusted man. I told her to avoid twitter.
I started this new workout that helps protect my abs and obliques by rubbing grilled cheese sandwiches on them from the inside then my body puts a protective layer around them on the outside.
How come Yoko Ono didn’t marry someone from Nickleback instead?
“SOMEBODY had a lot of time on their hands.” What dull people say about creative people.
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
him: you’re obsessed with the Flintstones
me *totally broke, struggling to use a chipmunk to open a can* haha yes
There’s nothing church people love more than getting teenagers and young adults to move all the chairs
I don’t care if it’s immature or not, I’m pausing my age until this bullshit is over.
I couldn’t help but wonder … is Russia trying to help everyone but me?
Someone once decided that if you wanted a quick wedding, it should be officiated by an Elvis impersonator
THAT is an influencer
If you are considering buying some guy’s program that promises to make you rich in the stock market or real estate, ask yourself why does the guy need to make money off of selling you a program if he’s figured out how to get rich in the stock market or real estate?
nurse *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[5 minutes later]
me: *gives her the empty cup* i didn’t need this, there was a toilet
[on the phone with an ex while violently twisting and stabbing a voodoo doll]
Are you sure you’re ok?