Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
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“Hello, customer support. How may I help you? You’re looking for a refund? What seems to be the problem?… I understand. Please hold while I direct your call to our mean person.”
the hulk is green because he’s not ripe yet
Can you imagine liking anyone well enough to go into pairs figure skating?
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
My kid, holding a jug of apple juice:
“Mommy can you open this?”Me, in the shower:
“Ask your father.”
Me: I’ll take one insurance
Insurance salesman: It doesn’t work like that
Me: *shoving $12 in his breast pocket* your best one, please
WIFE: I’m leaving you
CARL (my personal sound effects guy): *makes sad trombone sound*
ME: Is it because of-
WIFE: yes it’s because of Carl
Tuna = the chicken of the sea, worms = the noodles of the ground, Penguins = butlers of the south.
Incase you didn’t hear the look I just gave you,
Shut up.
Good dog. ❤️
I almost died last night. I woke up at 3am and MY FOOT WAS HANGING OFF THE EDGE OF THE BED. NOT EVEN UNDER THE COVERS.
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
I know we’re not supposed to say this, but our second black president looks just like our first black president to me.
Had a nightmare I’d gone blond and woke up with yellow hair. Turns out if you dye in your dreams…
Apparently, autocorrect wants me to get my shirt together.
Manager: If you continue to solicit your “magical services” to any more customers, I’ll be contacting the police. Do I make myself clear?
Me, lowering voice: You’re still pretty visible but I do know a guy
You have your whole life ahead of you. They threatened
My 2yo loves to put hats on people, but you never know if it’s going to be an actual hat, a slice of cheese, an empty bowl, or his toy shopping cart.
before coffee: don’t talk to me
after coffee: please don’t talk to me
Once I get my tourettes under control, it’s over for you twitches
Husband: Can these gel packs go in the microwave?
Me: Absolutely.
*gel pack explodes*
Me: Why would you listen to me? I can’t put my pants on without falling over.
“I just bought a kitchen stove, but you know, you can never have too many of those. I should buy one for every room in the house.” -how Amazon believes people think
Hello sweatpants my old friend, I’m going to dine in you again
Oh my god gurrrll, he said WHAT? Told you men are trash now did I, alright gimme the tea!
Before Calling Me, ask yourself “Is This Textable?”
Cop: *kicks door open* it’s time to take out the trash
Cop’s wife: stop kicking the door
I’m not particularly good at playing hide-and-seek with children because I have no desire to find them.
Why isn’t Cindy spelled Sindie? Whoever caid C makes an S cound was ctupid.
Why is nobody talking about how Sia is just Hulk Hogan’s mustache?
me: “im confused, run that by me again”
doctor: “you do not need to bring your cat to the hospital, that’s just what we call the machine”